I hate being afraid...

Tonight I went out side to look at the stars. I love being outside at night by myself, when there's no neighborhood children trying to grab the flag in my back yard, or avoiding a flash light. I sat down and looked up at the stars, and me being the lazy butt I am, I laid down cause my neck was hurting. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I just stared trying to take it all in, which is impossible for me. But then I started to feel so small and scared, like the sky and the stars were going to come crashing down on my head. I felt like the earth would open up and swallow me whole, and I felt like I was on the top a tall building and if I walked a few steps I would fall off.

I'm scared about this year. If I break down like I did last year, I can't turn to my parents any more. I can't take hurting them like that, seeing the disappointment in there eyes "Why can't you just be happy?" I can't hurt them like that anymore. They think I'm better, but I know it can all go down hill at anytime. I'm scared this time

My birthdays coming up soon. I'm going to be 17. I don't want my birthday to come. I really don't want it to come. I don't really want a party.

I hate going to church. Is it a sin not to be happy? Cause when I go there I feel like it is. All the grown ups smiling there fake smiles, well I can only think of one grown up that really gets me, Ginger. The one who is a jerk. The one who, I guess, hurt my feeling more than I thought. I remember Charlie saying before we would sing a song, "Be happy, this is the day the Lord has made, so you should be happy." ...........What if your not happy? Why did no one help me? Why didn't anyone help me? Why did I have to get bullied? They were so mean. I didn't tell my parents the full extent of what they were doing, cause I didn't want them to worry. They would ask me if I like Tri-west more then BCS, I would always answer yes, but really it was a no. I hated that school, I hated how kids would throw food at me in the lunch room, how those girls would look at me and make fun of me, I hated how I was scared to walk down the hall cause one of the pot heads might point and laugh at me, I hated how people would block the doors to the class room so me and Clarissa couldn't get in, I hated how when they would make fun of us they would say "what you gonna do about it?" "I think you should punch her in the face Clarisse, or get Sarah to fight your fights" "Your a wimp" "Your ugly.", I hated how they would form circles around us so we couldn't walk away, I hated how the principle was best friends with these kids, I hated how I had to stay in the office before school started with Clarissa cause we didn't want to get made fun of, I hated how I was scared to go into the bathroom cause Cynthia might be in there, I hated how I would have to run to the bus so I could get a seat by the bus driver so I wouldn't have to sit in the back, I hated how when I did sit in the back Eric and Cynthia and all their little friends would make fun of me and try to upset me, I hated how that girl wouldn't let me out of the seat so I missed my stop, I hate how people would make fun of my clothes and whisper when I walked by, I hate how the older kids would laugh at me when the teacher wasn't looking, I hate how they would would point laser pointers at me to try and hurt my eyes, I hate how I was so quite I didn't stick up for my self, I hated that the teachers didn't understand, I hate how the girls acted like they were better than me and that I was suppose to do everything they said, I hate how my grades dropped, I hate how the vice principle yelled at me and not the kids bullying me, I hated how the nurse would "lose" my sick notes from the doctor and not tell the vice principle so I would get in trouble with him (everyone new she hated me), I hate that it wasn't just the kids that were mean to me, I hate that people would make fun of Clarissa and I didn't do anything....I hate being afraid.
-Sarah

A purple elephant jumped over the cell phone in the sky.

hmmm......
I'm very lonely right now. I don't know why. I mean I went to youth group at kingsway today and had fun. Met some cool people. Saw Beth, Taylor, and Matthew. (They're cool kids.=) Talked to Chris (the youth pastor) and he asked me about my guitar playing and stuff. But I fill pretty lonely right now still.
Today was a pretty hard day, my brother had a friend over named Ben...and I don't know. Sometimes I just wished he wasn't autistic, like he's 14 but he still cries like he's 2 sometimes. And he gets really upset, and you know, it's hard to have friends over cause you don't know what he's gonna say or do. =(
I love him and all, but I just wounder how my life would be different if he wasn't autistic, but he's done a lot of good for me to.

Another topic. When I was in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade I was super depressed, and stressed and stuff. I told him (my family doc) all the symptoms I had (cause at the time, I didn't know what was wrong with me.) My body ached, my arms tingled, I was tired all the time, I got head aches, my stumic hurt, my heart raced, I was short of breath, and we went threw all this stuff to see what was wrong with me. I was reading something, and those are all symptoms of stress and what not. When we went back there, when I realized I was depressed, he didn't do anything. My mom took me to a different doctor and the doctor had me fill out these test. It turned out I was super upset, I remember praying to God to just let me die in a car crash or something.
I got the feeling from my dad that he just wanted me to get over it, and he was mad at me. I remember him telling me "it's just only gonna get worse when you get older."

But I'm sorta better, we'll see how the school year goes. But I was just wondering, why didn't anyone help me? Why did I feel so alone every time I went inside my church? Everyone just seemed so fake. Especially the grown ups. Walking around smiling ALL the time. And at school, I walked into the FCA (i think that's what that's called.) but all the people in there, were the ones mean to me in the hallway. They were the ones throwing food at me in lunch, and laughing at me in the hallways. =(

But anyways, I shouldn't feel alone at my church. And I shouldn't feel like every time I go in there I have to fake a smile and pretend every things all right when it's not. But anyways....

-Sarah

Ice cube showers.

I just got out of an ice cold shower... literally, there were ice cubs coming out of the shower. It was quite a nuisance, I mean have you ever had ice cubes showered upon you? It's distressful. Any ways it was refreshing, and it elicit memories of the Chicago missions trip......

All the teenagers were at the beach, and the water was SUPER cold. I mean, it was piercing... my bump turned purple. But it was really enjoyable and pleasant. All of use had the VBS songs stuck in our heads, so we started singing them in the water...and doing the motions, which was pure awesomeness. So we decided we're all going to swim out to this pole like thing. So we start going, and it is freezing! But Beth is the first one to do it. She just starts swimming, she gets to a point were she can't touch the bottom, but she keeps going. And then we all join in (All the girls did, I mean). It was so much fun. The water was so invigorating....hmmm, maybe I should join the frozen polar bear club (or what ever it's called.) But that trip was so good, everyone was so convivial. It kept me fastened on whats really crucial- spreading the gospel, helping others, spending time with God, sharing a bathroom with 14 other people...wait I don't think that's one of them. But we did do that, which wasn't that bad for me. I can take quick ,cold showers if I have to............Why does everything I write keep coming back to cold water. It's like this kid at vbs, I think his name was Joshua, who had a fascination with water. I had this bottle water out next to my stuff in the corner (I had the lid on and everything, so the kids wouldn't spill it, silly me ;) and the next thing I hear is "Watch this." I turn around, because when you hear a kid say that they're either about to die or do something stupid, and he had unscrewed my lid and dumped the water out. "Why did you do that?" I ask, his response "I don't know." lol. That was funny. Then later that day he dumped his own drink out, and then the next day he put a pen in Beth's water bottle. Man, I had so much fun on that trip!

One of the coolest things was, when we were out side playing games, and two little boys curl right up next to me. One didn't feel good, I don't remember his name, and then the other one was Elijah. Then earlier that week Danny came and curled right up on me, it was sooo cute. I really needed that to, cause I was having a hard time the first two days, and he kinda pulled me out of my funk. That was such a fantastically, awesomely, stupendously, sensational, week. -Sarah

dreadful mornings...

Mornings are horrible for me.

I hate waking up in the morning, I would much prefer to wake up at around 3 p.m.

That seems to be the best hour for me.

I don't know why I hate mornings so much.

It starts with my head hurting, kind of like it's full of pressure and just waiting to explode, or my chest aching with sadness. It's a pain that's horrible... leaves me wanting to curl up in a ball and not uncurl until the pain is over.

I use to try and sleep it away, but my family just thought I was some freak or something, so I stopped.

I've worked really hard on not sleeping for my family, but it always goes unnoticed.

Today it was really bad...really bad.

I didn't want to sleep, but it was the only way the pain would leave. I tried taking meds for the pressure in my head and chest, but I guess Ibuprofen can't fix that kind of pain. I slept from 12 to 3, and when I woke up I felt better. The pain was gone for a little while.

When It gets like that...it's not just I'm filling sad, I fill actual pain. My chest was the only thing that use to hurt, It was like I was empty and hallow, but now my head hurts to.

Sometimes the pains right above my ears on both sides (like it is now) and other times (like this morning) it's all over the place.

I remember the first time my head started hurting like that.

It's not like a normal head ache.

I knew that right away.

It was like someone cut something out of my head, something I needed to fill happiness.

maybe aliens came into my room, and took part of my brain away, like in the x-files. I need molder right now lol.

But ya, the first time it happened, I remember thinking oh great another pain to go along with my aching chest!

It was weird. I wasn't upset, I just thought it as a fact, maybe I should get rid of the exclamation point, but I don't want to I'm to lazy lol.

But the mornings are always the worst.

Ha, even just watching mornings on tv make me fill bad. I'm so weird sometimes. lol

But I was reading in my psychology book today about this guy who felt the same way I did except he felt bad in the afternoons. He said he would crawl into bed, and just lay there for as long as 6 hours until the pain stopped.

I'm actually scared of mornings.

I really am.

I'm scared that it might hurt.

Especially when I go some place to spend the night. Like on the great race, that morning was horrible. At Beth's house it's ok, cause we get to sleep in until like 1, and over there no one cares.

Man, the pain was really bad today...

I was really tired to, and weak. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

today I felt hopeless...

but only in the morning

The mornings are the worst for me.

-Sarah

VBS, the shalom house, flying wagon, and a trip down memory lane

Ok, today was a good day, but I'm kinda down right now...But I'll talk about why later.

Today at VBS I wasn't in the nursery! I went with Faith and Bethany (Emily's older sister) who taught the kindergarten class. There were a lot of really sweet kids in there. After words I went home and slept for three hours, then I went back to the church area (we didn't go to the church but we were close by) and helped at the shalom house. It's kinda like a restaurant, except smaller and it's free. They only have it open two days out of the week ,I think (hehehe I rhymed.). The two people that work there on a regular basis I like. The lady has black curly hair. Her skin is tan and kinda wrinkly. She smiles all the time, and is really nice. She works in the kitchen. Her husband helps serve the food. He has curly, brown hair. Always wears jeans and a belt with his shirt tucked in. He knows everyone that comes there. But for some reason I really like those two.

Ok now to the reason I'm kinda upset. I just got done watching 'radio flier' with Hannah. Elijah woods is in it when he was younger. It's about these two brothers who get abused by there step dad, and at the end the boy who gets abused flys away in this wagon thing. Ya, that's not very detailed, but I don't care. It just makes me sad to see kids hurt and stuff. Why do people have to be so mean?

I remember being little and trying to make contraptions to fly in. I was certain me and my friends were gonna make 1) a hot air balloon. 2) an air plane 3) a car out of a skate board. But really me and my friends at school stuffed our pockets full of trash and junk we found at recess. I use to have this really long purple coat, it went all the way down to my feet. It wasn't that it was a long coat, I was just super small. I would wear it cause the girls at the school were only allowed to wear dresses, so our legs would freeze during winter! I remember curling up in a little ball and just waiting to go inside! It was like recess was torture lol. The recess playground was pretty lame, all it had was a meddle slide (which the kids christened the big, blue slide), a plastic slide, some swings, and a kick ball field. It actually wasn't that bad for me at least, I liked just walking around and being by myself...wow I was a weird child. I remember one day finding this little ghost collector things...I don't remember what there called, but I apparently found a very rare one, and I was so popular on the bus ride home. EVERYone wanted it. I finely gave it away for five more pieces. It makes me smile to think about that. I remember the first day of first grade I cried cause I missed my mom so much. Then we lined up to go to recess, and I thought we were going home, so I got all ready to go and...we didn't go home lol. Later when we really were going home and I got on the bus, I started crying again cause I didn't know if that was the way to get home, and I thought they were just gonna take me some place and drop me off. But this girl named Emily ,who went to my church, said it would be all right. I also remember leaving my lunch box in the bus, and crying cause if you did that you had to flip a card, which was the worst thing in the world! But an older girl I was walking with to the school (I don't really remember why, I guess we had buddys or something.) asked me why I was crying and I told her, so she took me to the bus and opened the door. We had a hard time getting it open , she had to pull it really hard. And there it was! I was so happy. Man, I had a lot of good times on the bus. We had to wake up SO early to go to school, most of the time we would just sleep on it. It took thirty minutes to get to school from wear we lived...yes be amazed. So it was a good time to sleep. I remember Emily would sleep on the floor and I would sleep on the seat. I also remember my mom dropped me off in the wrong place once, well she didn't really drop me off at the wrong place, the school was just being stupid. Usually before school the kids played out side and then the teachers would blow the whistle to line up and we would all scamper off to our lines. But if it was really cold we would go to this one room and hang out before school started. That's were my mom dropped me off one day cause it was SOOO cold. But everyone was out side. My teacher said if you went to the wrong place you would get in trouble, so I ran around the school like a spy trying to get out of the building. I remember walk behind one of those food tray things...Though I don't know why they would have one of those in a school. I did somersaults around the building and stuff trying not to get caught. Man, I was a funny kid lol.... But what smells come to mind when ever you thing about school? For me it's always black asphalt in the sun. My second grade teacher was the best. She would bring in food ALL the time to have us sample them. We would try food from different countries most of the time, maybe thats why I like trying new types of food. woooow.....I just went down memory lane. I should probably end this soon.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Maybe later I'll talk more about my wounderful childhood adventures, like making car like things to go down the drive way, before the bus came to pick us up. Now that was fun. -Sarah

VBS =P and the rest of the day =D

Today at church was VBS (vacation Bible School, for all you heathens out there lol). I get there and just love the feel of the atmosphere, excited kids, rooms decorated, games, snacks, crafts, music! It would be so fun!!! ....But I was in the stupid nursery. Don't get me wrong, I love babies...But three hours with five crying babies is NOT fun, especially when I'm the only teenager in there. Well, I'm not really upset about it. My mom's more angry than I am. I really think the person in charge of the VBS put me there cause she thought I would like it. But it was not fun.
This girl comes into the nursery. Shes maybe one, and shes clinging to the person in charge of the VBS, so I grab her really fast and take her to the toys so she wont start crying. She clung to me for 30 minutes at the least, and hour at the most, and would not let go. That's a long time holding a baby. She was black with puffy hair pulled back into a bun. When the VBS was over, my mom walked in and said I could go hang out with the teenagers. When I left she apparently started crying. When I came back in I went over to hold her and she stopped crying. We had five babies in there. Jessica who stood in the same place for two hours, and cried for a while. She ALWAYS cries when her mom leaves. Then there was Jack, he is super cute and easy to take care of. Then Heavena, the girl that clung to me. Then Max which is Jack's little brother. He's 3 months old. Then Jacob, the VBS person's adopted son. He was probably 2 1/2 months old. He pooped, and it smelled HORRIBLE!!! It was the worst thing ever. Everyone in the nursery almost threw up...it was awful *Shudder*.

But anyways after VBS things got better. The teenagers went swimming. This girl named Tammy drove me around. Tammy's pretty cool. She's very responsible, and cool and stuff. She has light brown hair, and is just a little bit taller than me. (I'm short if you were wondering.) Likes reading (I think.) She like keltic thunder (At least I think that's what it is called.) and DC talk. Well, any ways, we dropped her cousin off, then went to a gas station and got some kinda tea drink. Then we went to Foster's house to go swimming. It was just Tammy, Foster, and me for a while. Foster was shoveling gravel into a walk way and we were talking. He later brought out his acoustic guitar out, played for a little while, and then let me play black bird by the beatles. I have to admit I was playing good. There's times with the guitar where I just wanta stop cause my fingers aren't doing what I want them to, then there's other times were it's like magic. After words he started playing again, then he wanted me to play blackbird again. =) it made me fill good. Then a couple other people showed up, and we went swimming. There was a blue tarp, and a few people (including me) went under it and it was like a club house. It was nice and warm under it. Faith (She has blond hair...and is a blond lol. She's Foster's girl friend.) didn't even get in the pool. It was pretty cold. After swimming we went to taco bell, then we went to church, and there my mom picked me up. But when we were at the church Robby and Alex were being morons. They took Stacy's mom's car keys, and Robby started to drive it, even though he just has a learners permit...not to mention it's some one else's car.

It was a good day, with my friends. There going to the movie theater tonight, but I didn't go because I swum in my clothes and I wanted to go home and take a shower and change.

I'm also happy because I don't have to be in the nursery tomorrow, my moms gonna do it for me. My moms the best! =)

The disfunctional blog...

Ok, I was thinking about what to write, and I think I have it. I was talking to my friend Matthew on facebook, and we were talking deeeeeep. I mean really deep. We were getting personal, like "What you struggling with now?" And stuff like that. And we got on the topic of, why there are so many bad things in the world. How could a good God do that to his people? How can a loving God do that to his people? First of all, I think some of it is the devil, some of it is to make us stronger, some of it's our own sinfulness, some of it's others sin, some of it's because we're teenagers, some of it's because we are weak, and there's a whooole long list. And this year, along with previous years, I thought (this is actually quoted from my diary when I was 12.) "there are to many bad days then good, to much pain then joy." I believe this to be true sometimes. I whole heartily believe this is true. but, What I also believe, and I've come to the conclusion quite recently, that there is good in the world, there is stuff we do not see...or maybe we take for granted. See the world (I'm SOOOO sick of the world) trys to tell us what matters. (What I consider the world to be, is the media, people, the devil, basically anything evil lol.) Like oh, your a loser if you don't have a boy friend. And oh, your a loser if you study. (There was a girl at youth group who actually said, "I use to be all nerdy and study the time, but now I have fun." Well that basically what she said, but anyways, that kinda ticks me off.) Or, oh your a loser if your not pretty. Or what should matter most in life, is your career... Which totally gets me! Why should your stupid career matter that much? Lets see... If I could have a career, I get paid lots of money, I'm wealthy, I live in a big house, I have a nice car, people respect me, I have a pretty family, I'm not happy... Or have a job, were I'm poor, I live in a small dirty apartment that smells like cat pee, I don't even own a car. I ride my bike, or take the bus, People don't respect me, I have an ugly family that I get to spend time with, and I'm happy... I would always choose the last one over the first, every time!



Why do schools do that? You have to get a good job, or you fail at life. From one of superchick songs "You don't pass or fail, you just do your best." You CAN'T fail at life. no matter what. I mean life isn't a test... No matter how many times the school tells you it is!



Also, something else the world tells you, is me! It's all about yourself. And I hate that. I mean everyone hides things, and no one knows the other person is hurting so they think they're all alone! And thats not true! "Don't let it show...If you let it show, some one will know you're not perfect...They'll hate you. How dare someone tell you that you need help! of course you can do it alone." This wont work...Trust me, this whole year I tried to hide it from my parents...but I did finaly exploide...And you know what, it does fill better to talk about it...at least with someone you trust. And it does help to talk to people. Matthew is a good guy, and he and me send Bible verses to each other, or things that we're going threw thats upset us, and he kinda showed me it's not crazy to be a christian...



I mean peoples brains are being flooded with so much garbage there drowning! They can't think straight with all of this junk.



So I was talking to Matthew and he was a little down, and so I started telling him, good stuff I saw in the world. Like at the zoo with Beth, there was this little boy with down syndrome, and for some reason... I just saw how beautiful he was. He was staring at the goats. Theres so much to be thankful for! I might not have many friends...but I have a best friend, who I can tell anything to. And just everyday is hard to get up...but I really don't want it to. I know I'm only a teenager, but some times I feel like I'm running out of time...To do what I don't know? live life? who knows. but it's hard to see what there is to be thankful for, and theres so much good...you just don't see it.

sorry if this sounds a little mixed up, I wrote this like four days ago, but added new stuff to it lol. -sarah.

Your body is Gods temple...

You know what I think? I'm so sick of people caring how other people look. ESPECIALLY the Christan's. I think they use the phrase "The body is Gods temple." as an excuse not to like certain people, or maybe they think there better than some people. Yes, the body is Gods temple, and yes we should take care of it... But just because someones not dressed the way you like them to be or in a way that's dorky or if they don't match...Does that mean God doesn't love them just as much as he loves you? Or maybe they have acne (like me) and you avoid them cause there ugly...but you use the excuse "There just not respecting Gods temple...They should be wearing makeup or something." Does that make it right? When I was younger there was a boy in my class. (I really wish I could remember his name, but I don't) He smelled really bad, but I didn't say anything about it... cause who knows, maybe he didn't live in a good house, or maybe he couldn't help it. We were really good friends, but I was the only friend he had. Then there was this other boy, who looked ugly. Every one was really mean to him, they would cut him in line and push him down. This was in fourth grade, it just gets worse from there. And you want to know something else? I don't think it ever stops. People might say... Oh it gets better after high school. The only thing they get better at is hiding it. Maybe this will make since - Me and my family were driving along when my dad looks out the window and says "They need to trim there yard." Why does it matter if they need to trim there yard?!? It's there yard. Is it to show respect for what you have... Or is it to make your self look better?!?! I personally think it's the former. Anyone reading this (Especially Christians) will disagree, and I believe they will disagree strongly. But whats more important, making your yard look good, or spending time with people. Don't get me wrong, I believe in showing respect to what you have... But I also believe people use that as an excuse to care about there appearance to much.

And ,I'm writing this part with a person in mind, people who hate fat people. I don't think they will ever say they hate them... But I really think they do (well at least the person I'm thinking about does.) Yes again, your body is Gods temple, and Yes again, you should take care of it. But some people REALLY can't help the weight they are. And even if they can... Does that give you the right to hate them, or look down on them. They can look down on you for sins that you do and they don't! That really just gets on my nerves.
-Sarah

DAY ONE: The first break in.

Ok, still not writing about the cruise yet. I'm gonna write about my dream I had last night.

I dreamed that I was in my house, thinking about BCS. In my dream the school had been a boarding school, and I would stay there tell I came home on the weekends, then I would go back to school on the weekdays. The school was Joshy's house, but he didn't live there. I remember sitting by my bed with Lauren and Alayna, (or It might have been Katie) and learning how to make my bed...I don't know why I didn't know how to make my bed before, but I didn't lol. I clearly remember this. Then, I get this crazy idea into my head that I'm gonna sneak over there, and look at it one more time. I get into the house, and I go into my old room. I miss it so much, I wounder where my friends are at and if I'll be able to see them. After I look around for a little while, I leave to go down stares and find away to sneak out without any of the teachers seeing me. But I'm stoped by a girl who goes to the school. (It's weird, cause she was actually this girl I new, but she didn't go to bcs, she went to tri-west. Her name was Taylor. She was black had black puffy hair. I don't know why I dreamed of her, we weren't friends or anything.) "Sarah, what are you doing here?" I tell her "I'm just looking around, (I go on for a while, I don't know why.) This school was like my home, and I miss it a lot. I just needed to see it again." She shrugs or something, and starts walking up stairs. I go down stairs, but there's a teacher washing dishes, so I dunce back up , and Taylor (But in my dream I don't think her name was Taylor, She certainly didn't act like her.) whispers that she'll help me get out. Then I'm walking across the street to my house, and I ask my mom if I ever lived at bcs, she replied saying no, and my bro says "I told you so." I know I didn't live there, but at the same time I did know I lived there. It was really weird! So I decide that I'll go back there every day, just to check it out. And then I write in this blog "DAY ONE, the first break in." That's when I don't remember anymore. But the filling I had thinking about the boarding school, was peace, or maybe a better word was joy...or maybe peace...or maybe comfort. I felt very protected there. But, if I really did have to go back to bcs in real life... I don't think I would want to. I don't know... I just want a home.
-Sarah

One of the most hardest blogs to write...

Hey, I just got back from the cruise. More on that latter, I really have to get this off my chest. Remember BCS (the school I use to go to that I loved in 7Th grade)? Well, I found this guy name George ,that was in some of my classes, on facebook. He was from Africa, staying in a home that sent him to BCS. Actually almost all of the kids that were black, that went to my school, were from that home. His locker was right next to mine. He had a really cute accent, and his hair was all fuzzy, his skin was a dark chocolate, looking back at some of the pics of him, i realized how beautiful he was. Not only on the out side, but on the inside as well. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true, well as far as I know, I wasn't his best friend or anything. He had a hard time speaking English, or maybe I just had a hard time understanding what he said, but anyways BCS kicked him out cause he wasn't "Smart" enough. It didn't matter, that he was one of the nicest kids there, he just wasn't "Smart" enough. Geese that school makes me sick. No. for really right now, I am physically sick to my stumic right now. I guess I can sorta call this feeling Home sickness. I miss that school so much, at least the one I went to in 7th grade... I saw a pic, of him with some of my two good friends "Lauren, and Alayna." And it made me sad. But (I guess this is really selfish of my, but I'm gonna say it any way cause its what I'm thinking.) I almost don't want him to go back to that school. Not for any noble reason, like I don't want them to do that to him again, or anything like that. I don't want him to hang out with everyone, Lauren and Alayna, cause he wont even remember me. My friends will get to have a good time, and I wont. I'm always left out of everything. I want him to make friends with people I've never met before. I know I'm selfish! I'm really trying to work on that, and writing this out help, I almost don't care if he goes back now. I don't know why I'm thinking of him. I wasn't even very good friends with him, almost not even friends, more like a acquaintance, but it's him I'm thinking about. I'm so weird.



I remember the first day he came to school, I introduced my self to him, and asked if he needed any help with his locker. He just stared at me, smiling shyly, and so I walked away. It was really awkward, and I can't believe I'm writing this, but ya...lol. He later ,when he got better at understanding people and being less shy, asked me to help him with his locker.



The first day I went to BCS. I walked in and saw all these faces staring at me, i was soo scared. All I could see were there shiny eyes, I couldn't make out any of the faces cause they seemed like so many. I could hear them whispering about me...not even joking, they were whispering about me (cause getting new students was a big deal for that school) and I just sat down by the office chairs and waited for the bell to ring. When The bell rang for us to go to our lockers, Lauren introduced herself to me, and helped me with my locker. Later that day during lunch (I don't remember if this was still the first day or not) I was trying to get my locker open. It was jambed, so my friends ,earlier, gave me the advice that when ever it's jammed to bang on it. So that's what I did. This older student (She seemed really big, but she must have only been a sophomore or a Junior.) came by, and thought I was having a melt down or something. And she helped me with my locker.



I remember Bible class in the morning, being with Katie and Lauren. They sat right next to me. Man, I miss those days. I some times wounder if it's ever gonna be like that again... If you ask me I would probably say "no, it's never gonna be that good."And Isn't it just lovely, when your parents or people say, "oh it's just gonna get worse from here." My dad said that to me several times. That gives me a lot of hope, thanks. So I don't know, but I've also been told by college students that it does get better. So I don't know what to believe. Maybe college will be awsome or something. But, that's nice, tell a suicidal (yes, I think I was suicidal, though I don't think I am any more.) that it's only gonna go down hill the rest of your life, great speech thanks, very up lifting.



I remember this one time in Spanish class, I was with Emme, and we were playing a game. The teacher laid some rules out and who ever won, got a chocolate candy bar. Well, Emme won, but at the last minute the Spanish teacher changed the rules around so that her favorite student could win. So the next day, I brought Emme a candy bar as a joke, and we shared it.



Then the end of the year party at someones house. it was awesome. I had so much fun. We played volley ball, foot ball, (they actually carried me, cause I didn't want to go, well I did want to go, but I was to shy lol.) watched a movie "bench warmers" and other things. I wish, I could remember it better. Still to this day, every time I pass the neighborhood were the party was, I have to think about it, and how much fun it was!

But at least I never ever took it for granted. I remember sitting in class thinking about being home schooled, and I couldn't believe how awesome it was. I remember thinking "Never take this for granted, ever." I remember being scared and asking my mom if I would be able to go there the rest of high school, like I new something was gonna happen...It just seemed to good to be true. It's funny how life, like a book, foreshadows key plots in your life. (Man, I'm crying now. I miss that life so much.) See, before I went to BCS and had friends like that, I didn't know any better, I didn't know that I could be that happy, so I was never sad about it. But after words, I do know better, and I miss it. A while ago I asked my self if I would have been better off, not going to bcs, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm glad i went, and have those memories. I bet my parents would find this pitiful, "come on Sarah, this was 3 years ago, get over it." I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get over it. All I know is that I miss it so much. My par ens just want me to get better, if I was to act depressed again around them, they would probably say " I thought you were over this." They act like it's a phase. Well it doesn't fill like a phase, and I don't think it looks like a phase either. It's not just that I miss BCS, it's getting made fun of and bullied, and seeing how mean people are. I remember my mom saying the first day of Tri-west, "These kids are just like you, there just kids." They weren't just kids, they were monsters. They'd beat the crap outa you (if they thought they could get away with it, even if they didn't think that, some would still beat the crap outa you.) for no reason. I don't know if my parents realised all the stuff they did, or how scary it was, or how I would almost throw up each day at the thought of riding the bus home. Thinking about all this is making me cry, I'm trying not to sob, cause my sis isn't a sleep yet, and she'll hear me. I guess I need to get over it, and for the most part I have, but just thinking about it and writing this makes me sad, but I have to write it, I don't know why...I just do.

- Sarah.

Having to do with a list, cruise, a book, and typing quitly

Ok, I have to type really quietly, cause Hannah is throwing a fit about the noise. I don't blame her it's 10: 54, but I have to write. I'm going on a cruise on Wednesday, my grandmas paying for all the girls to go! I've never ever gone on a cruise, I've wanted to ever sense I was 12, Cause I read this book (I don't remember what it's called.) about these two twin boys who's dad, works on a cruise boat. They want to go too so they sneak onto it. The twins sleep down in the very bottom of the ship. and then pirates attack, and they have to save the boat and stuff like that. But the book was REALLY good, at least that's what I remember. But anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about, I wanted to make a list of all the things that got me threw the school year (I know it's not over yet, but it almost is, so just give me a break lol).

The things that got me threw the school year

1. God. --- When I was thinking about what to put on this list, I didn't know if I was gonna put him down. Cause I've been falling farther and farther away from God, And he doesn't seem to be helping. It's cause for the first time in my life I questioned why I was on this earth. Whats the point? God made me, but why did he make me? I saw a lot of things this year, and not one time did I see God in them. (You could argue I didn't see him, because I wasn't looking. And I would for the most part agree with you.) Then I was watching a youtube video of the galaxies and all the stars and every thing, and for the first time in a LONG time, I saw Gods wounder. But let me be honest, I am no were near being all better. I've just started seeing things different, very different.

2. Mom. --- My mom is the best! I couldn't have asked for a better mom! She is very understanding. And I love her so much. Shes the person I look up to the most probably.

3. My friends. ---- first of all Beth! She is the best friend anyone could ask for. I'm one of the lucky ones, some people don't have best friends, but I do, and shes the greatest! Then Emily and Becca--- I love those people! Taylor and Katie--- Man, they are some awesome kids (as Taylor would say, she always says 'kids' lol.) Then Echo at church. Shes been going threw a lot, and I think she was depressed a little like me, cause she got made fun of really bad at school (it made me want to beat some people up!!!)! It helped to be able to help someone. Cause I saw so much cuts and bruises, and to be able to maybe help a cut heal was awsome!

4. Pastor Grant/ guitar playing. --- Grant is the best guitar teacher in the world I must say. He's a really cool guy.

5. Youth leaders. ---- Jen. Margie. Lissa. Jill. Cris. They all rock.

6. Happy music. ---- Lots of owl city (Fire flies, Hot air balloon, strawberry avalanche, Rainbow veins.) and Barlow girl and super chick. I remember telling my mom one day in the car, that I wished there was a radio station that just played happy sounding music, so you could go there when your feeling sad.

7. My family.---If it wasn't for my family, (and fear of what would happen to me after I died,) I most likely would have committed suicide a long time ago. I didn't want to hurt my family.

8. Books. --- Just taking me away from some place and transporting me into another world helped a lot.

9. Barlow girl.---- I know I've already said this, but They really are cool people, well from what I know about them, I don't really know them, so I couldn't tell you.

10. Being home schooled. --- Dude there was NO away I could have gone to public school this year without failing or dropping out. I was just WAY to depressed.

11. Having small group, were I was forced to talk lol. --- Jill is really good at asking you simple yet at the same time hard (?) questions, and it helped you brake out of your shell.

12. Poetry. --- I never realised how things could be so pretty before I was introduced to poetry. And not all of my poetry is sad, the ones I have on here are sad, but I have some other ones that I'm really proud of that aren't sad. I'll put them on here sometime.

13. Children, or I guess I should say innocence. --- Nothing fills better for me to look into the eyes of a child and see all that innocence! I've learned more from children, than a teacher has ever taught me in school! I've learned how love can be unconditional, I've learned self control (Ya when you bring your new guitar out and a kid accidentally scratches it, It takes some self control not to yell at them, though for me, I don't really care. I LOVE when kids play with my instruments.) I've learned how to throw a base ball right down the middle of home plate :), I've learned how to teach, I've learned how to play pretend all over again, and I've learned how to love unconditionally.

14. This blog thing. --- It helps a lot to get this stuff off my chest.

15. Hard work. --- I've learned that if you say your gonna do something, you have to do it, even if you don't want to.

16. Random people sometimes --- You know those people who just give you a smile, or say hi, or go out of there way for you, even thought they don't even know you. I would probably say they don't even know how much it matters to you, but it does. Like today I was walking into "Bob Evens" to use the bathroom cause we had just finished eating with Peggy at steak n shake, and I drank 3 vanilla cokes lol. So when I was walking back out the guy who might have been 17 or 18 said "Hi" and I said hi back, then right after he said "Bye." And I repeated it. It wasn't even that funny, but we cracked up laughing. Just things like that. Oh and when we were at steak and shake, there was this little baby who was black, and had black hair (almost like an Afro) and she kept on looking over at me and smiling, and then I would smile back, this lasted almost the whole time we ate ,we just looked at each other and :)ed. Occasionally I would wave. It made me fill good.

17. Putting one foot in front of the other. --- Just taking one day at a time. As Jill (my small group leader) would say, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough worries on its own!

-Sarah

Pixies play house memories.

Hahaha, Just got done talking with Caleb about our old pre-school teacher. I was convinced she was an evil witch, even though she was really nice. On the first day of school, she came in and was talking about the rules and said "When I get angry, I turn into a witch." She was joking of course...but I didn't know that. She had a closet were she kept all her decorations and school stuff, we weren't allowed inside. I thought that closet was were her cauldron was, I could just see her dressed in all black with an evil witches hat, stirring her black cauldron full of steaming, fowl liquid of pure evilness lol. And she even had a black cat...literally it was a class pet.

One day at school I was learning how to write my name, and I was drinking some milk or something like that, and I spilled it. I was gonna go up and git her but.....*gulp* she was in the closet...with the cauldron. So I just sat there, and so some other people went and got her, and she came out and yelled at me, I thought she was gonna turn into a witch and cook me or something, but she didn't and it was all good lol.

I remember the play ground, it was really cool. They had a section for the day care kids to play and a section for the preschool kids to play. There was this HUGE slide (though now it isn't that big) and it had bumps on it. Then there were these dinosaurs, I think there was a green with a long neck, and another green one, like the one below minus the play set in the back. -Sarah

Angery eyes.

Why does my mom treat me like I'm a moron? Do this. Do that. She's like "you need to call Becca and tell her to go here, ok, YOU need to work this out, Sarah, come on you never do anything right." I'm sorry it's just really getting on my nerves.

And I haven't had anything to eat today, because theirs absolutely NOTHING to eat in my house! Honestly, when I went to public school I always got to eat lunch. My mom and dad always say "Schools need to get rid of school lunches!" Well, news flash, when I was taken out of school and didn't get any public school lunches, I didn't eat! Then my dad acts like we don't need to eat. He always jokes about how moneys so important to him, more important than his kids are....and you know I don't think he's joking any more. I'll never forget the time me and Caleb (my little brother) were fighting, It wasn't a big fight we were just little kids. But he came out side and said "You know what, I wish I never even had you guys, you're just stupid kids." Do you know what it's like to hear your dad say that to you? All the while your thinking no one likes you, no one loves you, then your dad comes out side and says the very fears you were thinking. Back to the food thing, All I had to eat today was a small snack bag of chips. And my parents always ask me why I'm sick, and don't have any energy? They act like it's my fault I get sick.

One time my brother threw up, and get this he was only 7 yrs old, and what would a normal parent say "hey kiddo are you all right?" or "Don't worry you'll be better soon." No, my Dad yells at him, makes him cry, then acts like he (my dad) didn't do anything wrong and yells at my brother even more for crying. Ok, I can understand a non-saved person do that...but a christian?

Then one day, my brother was crying. (my brothers autistic) And my dad turns to my mom and says loud enough for everyone to hear him INCLUDING my brother and says "Yup were gonna hospitalise him." It wasn't just that he said that, it was the way he looked. So much hate and ANGER in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to kill him. Continually, I would be forced to stare into those hideously angry eyes. HE was the one that looked insane not my brother. And that day when I saw those eyes, that's when I realized my dad wanted my brother to be gone, he wanted my brother to be hospitalize.

I've been reading my dairies from when I was a kid. And all this really affected me. My dad mostly. I couldn't (and still can't) stand the man. It's hard to forgive a person who thinks they've done nothing wrong, and will never ask for forgiveness. Well, even if he did ask for forgiveness, I don't know if I would forgive him, I mean he was the one who taught me how not to forgive.
Caleb would always say sorry, and my dad would just look at him with those...can you even call them eyes? (They were more like a fire pit from hell, we had to stare into every day.) He would NOT forgive my brother. Never once did he forgive my brother. So could I forgive him?

Sometimes I wish my dad would punch my brother, so that I could call 911, and my brother would be taken from there... -Sarah

I'm reading this book called 'the lovely bones'. You may have heard of it, they turned it into a movie now (who they are I don't know) But this book is torturing me! I don't know why I need to read it, I guess its this dark fascination I have for suffering, what is suffering, why do we suffer...but I guess the real question I'm asking is can people get over the suffering, and move on? That's what I'm really asking, cause If they can get over their cuts and bruises so could I! I don't know....Well anyways the book is about this girl named Susie who was raped then murdered by a next door neighbor. She goes to heaven...and it talks about her family and stuff. I guess what really gets me, is that in her heaven (Each person has a different heaven in the book)shes not happy. Isn't heaven suppose to be perfect? Well, not in this book. And her parents are all upset, and her little brother keeps asking "wheres Susie?" Honestly, every time I read it I get a head ache. Then I have to do something to get my mind off the book...I guess that's why I'm writing right now. But I need to know if the killer gets caught! I have a filling he doesn't... How can someone, a human, do that to another human! -Sarah

Kids.

I'm Watching American Idol tonight. Crystals my favorite! She is so talented with her singing and guitar playing, I love her! But anyways I was playing with Joshy and Zack today, they are great kids! I love them so much. There like my little brothers. Joshy and me have been playing baseball. He is starting t-ball, and so he wants to "Practice" with me. He is really good, but he doesn't like other sports very much, which is fine with me. He's a very gentle boy, he likes pretend games, and he likes talking about fairies (which I have to say I encourage 'cause that's what my mom did for me.) He likes digging, *playing board games* (he REALLY likes that), talking (its so cute, we'll be playing and he'll say "Sarah lets just sit and talk" =), pretending, playing the drums, and playing with cars. Every time he comes into my house he always ask to see my dads old cars. I've known him ever sense he was a baby, and know he's four. I don't remember the day he started talking. But honestly it was like one day I come out side and he's talking! It was so amazing to see his personality develop.

Zack (or Zachery, as I've known him.) looks a lot like Joshy, but there not quite the same. Zack likes almost ANY sport, honestly and he's good at them to. He plays baseball, football, basketball, soccer, bowling, and a lot more. He just likes them, I don't push him to do them, he just likes them. Honestly what ever he wants to do I'm fine with it (well to an extent lol!) He also likes music. I wouldn't say hes good at it, but just the fact that he likes it makes me happy! He loves playing with my guitar, every time I get it out he has to play with it =) He likes my guitar, harmonica, piano horn (you know the long thing you blow into that has piano keys on the side.), Ukulele, drum thing, piano ( I actually gave that to him, it was a toy one.), and I don't think I have any other instrument. But he loves playing with them. I will never forget the time when I taught Zack the E minor chord on the guitar, and I think there was another chord but I forget it, and we walked our neighborhood playing. An old couple asked us to stop and we played for them, then when we left Zack turned to me and said "I thought they were going to pay us!" He makes me smile.

Children are so precious! I want to take them all in and help every single kid. Ever kid God put in my life is a blessing, and I love them all. -Sarah

Time.

Last night I was think about how there's no such thing as past or futer, theirs only the present. But the presents moving so fast that you hardly notice it. Just think about it, a minute ago you were reading- "Last night I was thing about....." that's all ready in the past, all you have is a memory. Does this make sense to you? It does to me, time is a really tricky thing. And last night I was wishing everything would just stop, the world would freeze, everything in it, time in its self would stop. But then I was thinking, wouldn't it be kinda lonely, If everyone froze and you were the only one not frozen. You wouldn't have anyone to talk to. It be like you were in a giant wax museum, but you couldn't walk out if you got tired of it. Then I thought, what if you just had one person that wasn't frozen with you. That wouldn't be that bad would it? I don't know...I would choose this guy I know to be non-frozen with me. Ha, when ever I think of this frozen thing, I think of a guy spraying a hose and the water just floating there. It would be really pretty.



Yesterday I was playing out side with all the neighborhood kids. Well just Joshy and Zack really. Joshy's four years old and really cute. We've been best friends ever since he was a baby. He's more calm and relaxed than his older brothers cause he's the youngest. He's the kid in the pic if you were wondering. Zack looks just like him, but older and skinnier. Zack is Seven, and in second grade. Zack is really good at sports and might be going some were with them....trust me I DON'T say that for just anyone. He has some special gifts for sports. They have an older sister, named Disarray (sorry I probably didn't spell that right), who's 11 I think, and an older brother, Mikel, who's 13 I think. I've known these kids for about four years now, and honestly I love them like there my own family. I've seen them grow up, and I've helped them grow up...at least the younger two. I've gotten to see them develop their own personality, and trust me that's cool. Nothing fills better than to look into the eyes of a child and see that innocence and joy. Life is still good for them, their happy and the only thing their scared of is the big ,fury monster lurking under their bed. I wish I could go back to being a child. I think the reason I'm alive is to help children...I really do think that's why I'm alive. If I could delay hurt (when I say 'hurt' what I mean is- world hurt, growing up basically) to a kid, or help a kid threw hurt, then my life wouldn't be wasted. -Sarah

The park, subway, and Imaginary Blood.

It's 1:26 here, and I'm listening to "Driftless Pony Club" there song "Imaginary blood." There a youtube band, and a really good one too. Most youtube bands kinda suck, but this one is really good. Ok...I turned it off now so I can concentrate.

I went to the park with Caleb (my bro if you forgot) and his friends Paul, and Mikel. Paul is 12 years old. He has brown hair, and brown eyes. He talks None stop...and I mean that, he'd walk up to a stranger and start talking to them if he wanted to. It's funny hearing Caleb and him talk on the phone, there both not listening to each other just talking. And Mikel is either 12 or 13, his mom is white and his birth dad is black. He has black curly hair, and is kind of a jerk. Well anyways we went to the park and to subway. I basically bought Paul and Mikel food, but I'm not complaining, moneys money...not really important to me yet. Mikel left with a boy named Josh...we use to call him crazy Josh, but I stop cause I thought that was mean. He has brown sorta skaterish hair, wears skinny jeans, and has skater shoes. Hes small and skinny. We called him crazy Josh cause he would get really angry some times, but Caleb still gets angry and I wouldn't want someone to call him Crazy Caleb, so I stoped.
But anyways, one of the girls working there was nice. She liked my school ring, and said it was pretty. It was really weird cause most people who work at our subway is really mean.

On to a different topic... I was watching "pretty in pink" for the first time to night, and It got me thinking about boys... particularly kissing boys. I've never really wanted to kiss tell this year. But I do now. I want to give a boy a hug, and rube his chest, just fill his body ,really. That's normal and everything...but it's just weird for me. Do people fill this way earlier than me? Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. well I gtg to bed. -Sarah

Emily Dickinson

I've been reading a lot of Emily Dickinson's poems and reading a lot about Emily Dickinson herself, who was a very interesting person. When she was younger she was just like any other kid, happy, outgoing, loving. Except she was very smart. When she was younger she spent seven years at Amherst academy, and made some very good friends there, one of them being her best friend, Susan Gilbert, who later married her brother. But she was plagued with pain from loved ones dying, they would die all around her. towards the end of her life she wrote

"The dying has been to deep for me, and before I could raise my Heart from one, another has come."

Leonard Humphrey, was a principle and friends with Emily, died when he was 25. This upset her greatly, writing

"...Some of my friends are gone, and some of my friends are sleeping- sleeping the church yard sleep- the hour of evening is sad-it was once my study hour-my master has gone to rest, and the open leaf of the book, and the scholars at school alone, make the tears come, and I cannot brush them away; I would not if I could, for they are the only tribute i could pay the departed Humphrey."

Her mom got sick and was bed ridden until she died, and guess who took care of her? Emily.
When her mother died, she wrote,

"We were never intimate... While she was our mother- but mines in the same ground meet by tunneling and when she became our child- the Affection came."

At around the age of 20 she started to seclude herself from the out side world. She would stay in the house, only leaving if it was absolutely necessary. Though there was one group of people she didn't seclude herself from...the neighborhood children. They all liked her, and probably new her the best out of everyone in her town. There's a story that says sense her room was on the second story she would fill a bucket full of candy, send it down to the children with a rope. That sounds so cute to me!

Emily Dickinson ,I believe, would have flourished in today's day and age, because she loved writing letters. That's how she had friends threw letters...imagine her with the Internet.

But anyways, a lot more people she loved and cared for died, before she, herself, died in 1886. She died of Bright's disease. Her brother said "the day was awful... she ceased to breathe that terrible breathing just before the (afternoon) whistle sounded for six"

In her life only 7 poems were published, and she didn't even want them to be published.

You should really look her up and read about her, shes very interesting.

She reminds me of me, I guess. The way she was shy, and the way she was good with children. But I'm not super intelligent, I don't even know how to spell the word intelligent! But I don't think she understood why people had to die, and go threw all that heart ache. For some reason, I don't think she herself was afraid of death, I think she was scared of people she loved dying, tormented with it, really. -Sarah

Why are some classes hard and others aren't?

Sorry this is not my best blog... I've been sick give me a break...

ahhh...I've been sick the past few days. Throwing up kinda sick, Head throbbing kinda sick, falling over kinda sick! My grandparents came over today. My grandma ,Grandma Marilyn, has short, black hair. Shes skinny, and all wrinkly. My grandpa ,Grandpa Leon, has a brownish-grayish wig. When I was little I would all ways asking him to take it off... all he would do was laugh and say no. I always wondered why he would never take it off. One of my theories was that he hot glued it to his head. He always wears these gray shorts and glasses.

I was talking about school to my grandma, and it got me thinking. Hmmm... how can I explain this? Ok, I've Never really been good at school, I've never really been bad, but never really good. And this got me thinking, about the times were I have been really good in school. You know those unexpected classes where ,for no reason that you know of, you've just been good at it. Maybe the reason I am so bad in school ,isn't because I'm stupid or lazy, but because the teachers a down right stupid gits. And those few teachers who actually could TEACH I got good grades in their classes. For example in 8th grade I had a science teacher, lets call him Mr. Science. Mr. Science was a nice guy and everything...but he was a HORRIBLE teacher. He over complicated everything and he was horrible at explaining things. But when I switched to Tri-west I started getting good grades in Science. Why? cause I had a good teacher. He's probably one of my favorite teachers ever Mr. Harrison (thats not his real name). He was short, and quite. So quite ,in fact, that the Principal had to buy him a microphone to speak threw. It was so funny hearing his voice boom across the room. He had brown hair, and some times a brown beard. And he was absolutely a big geek. Which is something I am. (Ok, let me just explain to you the deference between geek and nerd. A nerd is some one who is really smart, dresses funny, and is socially awkward. A geek is some one who dresses funny, plays stupid games, and is socially awkward. A geek is NOT smart, let me repeat that a geek is NOT smart. So there, glad i could clear that up for you.) He was the first teacher to actually treat me like a human being. He would talk to me, and was friendly. He liked my name to, he always said that if he ever had a daughter he would name her Sarah. When ever I would walk in the room he would say "Hello SarAH." That how he would pronounce my name SarAH. But the reason I got good grades in his class wasn't because I liked him, It was because he was a good teacher. Here's the reason I don't full heartily believe in the like+ teacher= good grades theory (if you get what I'm saying) I had an algebra teacher in 9th grade. She had long blond hair and scared the crap outa me. She would scream at people, and was really strict. I didn't like her, but she was a really good math teacher...Me good at algebra? Ya I didn't believe it either. I got A's and B's in her class. I usually got c's in math class. And since I actually understood it, i liked algebra. But most teachers (at least at Tri-west) are losers. Their just teaching so that they could coach basketball, or they want off during the summers. Honestly those teachers get on my nerves, and their are way to many of them. I had this REALLY bad teacher in 9th grade, he taught careers class. He was the basketball coach, and he was WAY to friendly with the cheerleaders... he was horrible. All he would do was tell us to read a chapter in our book and then answer the questions, and thats all we would do during class. Tri-west sucks thats all I have to say.
-Sarah

The clicks and a friend.

This isn't really what I want to talk about , but I want to write it down so I don't forget it. two Wednesdays a go at youthgroup their was a new girl their. No one was talking to her (Like the clicks they are) so I thought I would. I came up to her after the game, and started talking to her. She had her brown hair in a pony tail and was wearing striped socks (I really like cool socks). She was really nice and I liked her right away. She told me she was 17, was homeschooled, and liked Harry Potter. After that I thought she was the coolest person ever. After youthgroup I stayed to talk to her...My mom was trying to get me to leave...at the time I didn't know why, but then on Sunday everything became known....Ya, I'm being a little dramatic here. But the youth leaders put in a video during Sunday school, and it was of the girl. The youth leaders had asked her to come in and spy on us to see if there was any clicks in the youthgroup...and there was. I was the only one who talked to her. Oh, and another thing, Shes really 21 and goes to college with one of the youth leaders, Jen! My mom wanted me to leave so that they could make the video that we watched on Sunday. Do I think this is going to help the clicks at church?...No, not really. I think some of the people just don't care. They want to go about with their life, and don't stop to see how much they hurt some one else. Or they just make excuses like, "oh, I didn't fill that good that day." or "I tried to talk to her, but I got too scared." or "Shes older than me." or "Shes a girl" maybe "She didn't talk to me first." All those stupid excuses are just a way to make your self feel better, and justify you being in the click.

But anyway, remember the girl I told you about that cut her self once. I wont tell you her real name but lets call her Bella (cause she loves twilight...DUMBLEDORS ARMY!!!! um...sorry just had to let everyone know I'm a harry potter fan.) Bella has black hair that goes down to her shoulders, except that night it was up in a pony tail. She is part black (her dads from the Philippians (sorry I know I spelled that wrong.) I think.) Part white. and She has braises. She is a very outgoing person, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer (but thats just cause shes young...she around 14.) She walks up to me and gives me a hug (shes always giving people hugs.) and says shes been praying for me. Not in a sad serious tone, a happy exited way. I tell her I've been praying for her to, and we knuckle bump. Except I was wearing a ring so it kinda hurt her lol. It made me fill good to know someones been praying for me. I don't think anyone out side of my family has ever prayed for me...they never tell me if they have anyway. But honestly I'm so quite and shy that I probibly hardly ever enter anyones thoughts like that. So it made me fill good. And I really have been praying for her.

Sarah.

Other's cuts and bruises.

I want the screaming to stop...
I want the anger to leave...
No matter what I can never please....



I want to escape...
I want to be free...
Free from what? I don't really see...



My head hurts...
Its filled with pressure...
I wish every thing would just get better...



How can I make my life better?
Who knows...Who cares...
Life isn't very fair....



And when you think your all alone in the world...
Well it's some what true...
The ones who really know you are all to few...



Its just the same for them...
Maybe they don't have many friends...
Or they too think their life is coming to an end.



except they see it from a different point of view...
Their point of view...
Its their life...



We're all just people...
trying to figure each other out...
The pressure in our heads does nothing but shout.........



Threw the pain we can see...



Thats when we connect with people...



Thats the only way we can truly know other people's cuts and bruises is if we have our own cuts and bruises.

Trees.

Does anyone else fill like their so far behind in school,
And that its impossible to catch up,
Every thing that I've ever done I felt like a fool.
I fill so worthless and stressed,
You tell me I have it good,
But how can I fill blessed,
When Ever things such a mess.

Maybe It's just me...
Your not the problem,
I just want to be free,
I'm hanging from a limb,
A horrible evil tree that's dying,
I look at others trees,
There big and green and full of life.
But on the inside termites are causing horrible strife.

Why do we hide everything away,
Everyone has secrets,
Everyone has stuff they don't say,
Life is just a game were everyone has to play,

Everyone is envelouped in a life of crime,
Everyone will know your problems,
its just a matter of time.

Does it make you fill good to know this,
Everyone is hurting,
It's a terribly long list,
Or are you like me...
Every hurt you hear,
tares you up like a stormy sea.

Does it make you fill fine,
that their are people with nothing to their name,
that don't even have a dime...
And the ones with all the fame,
are hurting just the same.
To me it hurts so bad,
to know people are so sad.

All the cuts all the bruises,
all the choices we make,
all the lifes we fake,
Put on a smile,
go on with your life,
put up with all the bile.
just another emotion to file....
And hide away.

Every where I look theirs torture.
Trees falling and dying.
Life is like a big apple orcherd.
Trees need other trees to stand strait and tall,
Other wise they'll have nothing else to do but fall.
They need to see the sun...
the light at the end of the tunel

Are we just bones and blood rapped up all in a bundle.

Or are we something else?


I think we're something more,
how else would we fill like our life has been torn.
Theres to much pain
for life to be JUST a game.
How are emotions possible at all
Why does music make us ball.
It's just noise,
But yet its something else, something Better,
How are we capible of letters,
Letters then form words, and words form meaning,
We do we like big pearls gleaming.
Why do we like anything,
Yes their is something more.
Something out their,
And I think he's very fair.

I earned my hurt...I'm a horrible person...I just wish others didn't hurt...but then

agian

maybe they earned their hurt too.

No body heard her tears.

"Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world." - Edward Dahlberg.

This is what life is. Everyone is hurting in there own way. My mom is hurting, my best friend is hurting, my dad is hurting, my sister is hurting, my brother is hurting, Everyone is hurting. The closer you get to some one else the more you realise there hurting. Why does everyone halve to hurt? Why is there so much sadness. The line above portrays five people to me- My mom, My best friend, My sister, My grandma, and Me. I just keep reading that line over and over. "Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world"



"Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world" -Edward Dahlberg.

Forever?

Mom and Dad are gone. There at fostercare classes. Our familie's thinking about fostercaring. I was the person who wanted to fostercare the most...but now I don't think so. I'm just so screwed up, I don't know how I could help a kid who can't live with their parents. Man, I wish they would hurry up and get back. I hate when its just Hannah, Caleb, and me alone in the house. (I'm the oldest in my family if you were wondering.) I can't wait to go to bed tonight. For some reason I LOVE the house when every ones sleeping. I can read, play on the computer, or just think. I baby sat today. I baby sat a girl named Ruby who was three, and a boy named Max who I think is about to turn two, today. (Yes, hahah the tv show Ruby and Max) They are adorable.

Yesterday, my mom told me my grandma got really depressed too. She said she still struggles with it. It made me kind of sad to think that. What if it never goes away, and I have it for the rest of my life? I can't function like this. EVERYTHING is hard right now, will it always be like this until the day I die? I wish that day would hurry up and come, so that I wouldn't have to fill this way. I'm so scared of whats going to happen. I'm so stressed all the time, even if theres nothing to be stressed about. I wish my mom and dad would hurry up and get home soon.

Cuts and bruises.

Today I told a girl at my youth group that I was depressed. I've been depressed for about three years now, and I don't have any hope of it going away. I just don't see how it can. And I think my parents think that I fill sorry for my self, which isn't always true. I fill sorry for my brother, I fill sorry for my friends that are hurting, I fill sorry for my parents, I fill sorry for my sister, and I fill sorry for a whole bunch of other things. It's not all that I fill sorry for myself. I think life just sucks in general, I don't think just my life sucks, I think all of life sucks. It's hard to say exactly what I fill. And my parents want answers, "Whats wrong with you? Why do you fill this way?" I wish I could tell them, but the thing is, I don't exactly know whats wrong. It just seems like life isn't worth living. I don't seem to get satisfaction out of anything. I don't seem to fill good about anything, except when I'm with Beth, and her friends. And I don't want to rely to much on that, because their only human and will let me down some time, you know. I really want to get better, but I don't know how. I found out today, that one of my friends cut themselves before. It made me fill so sad! So much hurt all around us, how can anyone be happy with all of that. My little sister, wants to be me. I wish I could make her understand how much better she is than me. Shes great in school, works super hard, puts up with SO much, but yet she wants my life. Shes only 11 but shes starting to get sad, I just don't want to see her turn out like me. -Sarah

bla...bla....bla

It's hard to live life when you see no point in it. It's hard to do anything when you see no point in it. I am so stressed out right now! I fill like some one is taking my brains and squeezing them! I fill so behind in school, like i'll never catch up! And i fill tired all the time. I think the reason i'm sick so much is because i mentally don't fill well. I wish there was answers, and I wish my life felt full, but most of the time it doesn't. The week days are really hard for me, because I don't see any of my friends except on Wednesday, and even then I don't see them very much. And I don't fill God in my life. My faith is REALLY being tested at the moment. I wish I had answers, but some times I don't even know what my questions are. Does that make sense?

Boys

Ok, this is all new to me...Boys. Im 16 and I guess people now a days like boys at a younger age, not me. I have not liked a boy, I mean really like a boy, before. Any one else like that? I guess im a slow bloomer or something. I want to hold hands with him and give him a hug...that is not me. It's weird, I've changed a LOT from just a year ago. I never cared how I looked before, but now when ever I'm around him, I can oddly notice all the pimples I have. I wish my skin would just magically clear up. I really wished he liked me, but I don't think he does. I never really thought it would be fun to go on a date...ya things have defiantly changed. I really want a boy friend now, some one I could just hang out with, and talk to.

Hmmm...my idea of a perfect date. Probably going to an amusement park, and ride on all rides. That would ROCK! Maybe eating elephant ears, and playing games, and winning prizes. We would stay all day, because we were having so much fun. We would eat corn dogs, or what ever there was to eat. Maybe ride on a Ferris wheel and eat our food. Stay really late, and on our way home, talk about stuff. See my date doesn't have to be romantic...I've never really understood romance. I mean whats so grate about it? Romance wont last forever...before you know it, it'll be gone. But having a fun time together, that would be awesome. I would also like going to a circus, or a state fair.

Next best date...Going to the movies, to either see Harry Potter, a Zombie movie, or a good action movie. I think it would kind of be awkward to go see a love movie...and plus I don't get into those movies. I actually went on a thing that was sorta like a date with a boy named James. Guess what movie we watched? Resident evil! My dad went and his uncle and aunt went to. He was sitting at the end and I was sitting at the other end...lol. I miss him though, we didn't break up cause we were never really together, He just moved away. After the movie we would go get some pizza at a local pizza shop in my town, and talk about the movie and what not.

Next best date...Going swing dancing. It is so fun there. Then going to the pizza shop right next to the dance place, and then go to the diner for some ice cream or milk shakes, and then dance some more!

Next best date...would be playing video games, like guitar hero, and fun games like that. Some of his guy friends could come over and play to. Man, any guy would be lucky to have me lol.

Next best date...going out to eat some place cool, like chucky cheese (serious!) ,or maybe a fancy one like....um...Lets see....I don't know. Just going to an old fashion Ice cream shop. There really good.

Thinking about all these dates, kinda scares me. I mean what would we talk about, besides Harry Potter, guitar, and music? Thats why I guess most of these things don't involve sitting down at a nice restaurant, because there would be an awkward silence. But I can really see us going to an amusement park. I think that would be the coolest thing ever! Or going to a circus and riding some of the animals like the elephants. That could be fun to.

Hmmm. What is my type. I think I have lots of different Types. I like nerds. I liked this boy named Parker in 8th and 9th grade. And he was a big nerd. He had black hair, pointy ears like an elf, and had glasses. Then theres the muscular type. When there kinda Strong, but kinda not. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't like the big stupid dumb heads who think there the greatest thing to come to this earth, I like the ones who are humble. And then theres the...the attractive boys. There was also another boy i liked in 9th grade. His name was Eric. I didn't really know him, but one day he talked to me, and after that I was hooked lol. He was the most handsomest boy in the whole school! He had blond ( almost yellowish) hair, that was shiny and silky. His face was amazing, and he was funny. One time I heard him behind me, and I turn around to say hi. Since I wasn't watching where I was going I ran into about a halve a dozen people, and caused this big hold up in the hall way! lol. Well any ways, the boy I really like now, is all of those mixed together.

Maybe some day i'll get to go on a date, but right now my goal is to get myself looking better so that a boy would actually think I was pretty. Talk to you later -Sarah

The meaning of life.

I fill so loved right now!!! Katie my friend that I met at Beths youth group wrote me a letter saying- "I had SO much fun tonight! Thanks to you and Beth for inviting me!!! :) That makes me fill special and loved haha. On the way home Taylor, Beth, and I talked and all agreed that we should get together some time! Maybe a sleep over? I think we could have one AWSOME party haha. Well thats all for now.
Thanks again for the invite!
Talk to you soon!
Katie

This made me fill so good! I haven't felt this good since last summer and its almost March now! Do you know what the meaning of life is? I don't, but i have a theory. I think the meaning of life is to love people like God loved us and to be loved. I think we should show people God's love. Thats the only way I fill happy and full. If you don't have friends, you fill HORRIBLE! Trust I know from experience. And the only thing you can do is to keep trying tell it gets better. I know what it's like to think it'll NEVER EVER get better, but don't give up. Just take one day at a time, and eventually God will show his love to you, and people will show their love to you. And DON'T think your the only one to fill this way, your not. What ever it is some one else has been threw it to. I mean people are hurting all around you, you just have to look and care. I read a good friend of mine's short story about a hard time she was going threw in her life. It was very sad, and I could see how it effected her even to this day. Every ones hurting, so don't feel alone.

Some times you just have to find the niche you fit in. And sometimes you have to change your self to fit in. It is REALLY hard for a person to just up and change with people they've known there whole life, so what I did was very weird for me. I started going to my friends youth group along with mine. I could change my self to be anyone I wanted to be, so I changed into a more open person. The key is to be honest with others and yourself. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. I started answering questions during small group and telling them some stuff that i've been threw. And i've realized that after I started being more open with them, I was more open with my old friends.

But ya I just wanted to remember this day, and talk about something happy for once =) -sarah

the rambles of a tired teenage girl.

11:20 PM
I really need to get to sleep, because I have to Babysit tomorrow and need to have my energy, but I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep for a while. How can I sleep when I've done nothing today to make me tired? That's why I want to get a job at a horse place by my house. I would clean there stalls out, I don't know why I want it but I want that job bad. I wouldn't mind waking up early to do it, because that wouldn't require me to memorise pointless facts, such as school does. All I would have to do is shovel horse crap, and that's easy for me. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody, I would be alone with my thoughts. I could never work at a restaurant were you wouldn't have time to just think, your just running around trying to get orders going, its loud and i would fill like everyone was watching me, waiting for me to mess up there orders. That's why I would want to work at the horse place. I don't even like horses, but it would be nice and peaceful.

If I would have to go to school early, I would die. It's a lot harder for me to do school. Its hard to think, especially when you see no purpose in it. I've gotten in to the mind frame of think, your just going to fail this. Whats the point you'll forget this stuff in a week. Your never going to understand this stuff. Your stupid. You'll never get into college. Does it really matter if you learn this stuff, I mean when are you going to use geometry in real life, or chemistry, or anything else for that matter?

And another thing with school. The stuff we're learning is not all boring, somethings could be really cool, but the books make it boring by pumping endless amounts of pointless facts at you. I don't want to know who lost the battle of blah blah blah. Its like my history book just gave me a whole long list of battles, told me the commanders of both sides, and told me who won and who lost. I don't want to know that! I want to know the stories, and I want to know the whole picture, and I can't get that from a bunch of pointless facts. History could be really really interesting, but they've pulled all emotional connections out of it. Theres no way people can relate to history anymore, theres no way we could fill the sadness the Jews went threw, and theres no way we can fill the happiness the Americans felt after we won our freedom, because the history books throw a lot of facts at us without actually telling us what went on. That's why I fill school is pointless in some aspects, because I can find out a lot more of what happened by reading the diary of Ann Frank, and I'll also gain some morals along the way, and that's whats missing from our school books, The chance to think for our self, and learn from others mistakes. I'm not saying history books should change, I'm just saying they should try to show what it was really like to be going threw that time period, and show that they were real people like you and me. Does any of this make sense to any one else, or is this just the ramblings of a silly 16 year old girl.

12:06 AM
I should really get to bed, but I don't want to. My life is slowly getting better. I mean for a while there I felt like I had nothing to live for. I mean I hardly had any friends, I never felt happy, my parents acted like it was my fault I felt the way I did, and every thing was caving in around me, but its getting there. I mean the only thing that kept me going for a while was God, my family and Beth. Beth told me multiple times that she couldn't live with out me, and I know i couldn't live without Beth. For a while shes the only person that I felt like my self around. When ever I'm around her, I can talk and be loud. Shes my anti-depressant lol. =)

12:19
I want to write about one of my good friends that I haven't mentioned yet. Emily. Shes just a cool person. I think everyone should be more like Emily. She is very nice to everyone, and treats them like they are her best friends. I like her because i honestly believe that she doesn't care what everyone else thinks about her. Shes just out out to be nice. She acts like people in general are good and nice, and I think everyone should think that. I'm not saying be stupid and walk up to a creepy looking person and start talking to them...I guess what I'm trying to say is shes friendly, and I wish I could be more like her in that way. Shes also a hard worker. I mean she does school, plays the piano and violin, plays in two orchestras, Has a job teaching instruments does CAP (Civil Air Patrol), and a lot of other things. You know sometimes I fill bad being around her, cause I fill lazy...i suppose I am lazy. I don't want to be but I am, and I'm really trying to work on that but it's hard to change. Shes also smart, she can read super fast, and does well in school. I think shes a great person, and she means a lot to me. I should tell her all this sometimes. I'm just starting to understand how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you.

12:41
Telling someone how much they mean to you can really change a life. People need to fill loved, and they need to fit in and fill needed. If they don't there going to get depressed like I did. I'm slowly starting to see that people really do like me and that they want to get to know me and theres nothing wrong with me. If some people don't want to get to know me, that's fine with me, its there loss. People have told me, and shown me that they like me, and it has helped SO much. My goal in life, is to show people they are loved, and needed...how do you do that? by building relationships, spending time with them, telling them stuff you like about them, really talking to them, maybe doing things for them, giving them a present, and *shudder* yes possible even give them a hug once and a while *shudder*. I remember Taylor telling me she liked my hair. I was completely shocked. I was like " REALLY?!?" No one likes my hair, let me repeat that NO ONE likes my hair, and there she was saying she liked my hair. It felt really good, and i guess you don't realise how much it matters to you until some one says it. I always kind of thought I was ugly, because some people kept on making me fill ugly over and over again, so i just kind of excepted it as fact. But then there she was saying she thought I had cool hair. Man, it rocked. So you have to really tell people that stuff, cause it really matters.

1:05
I also want to write about my other good friend ,Becca. She is a really cool person to. Shes very tiny and quite, a lot like I am. I think she might be going threw some of the same stuff I have been going threw. We both get left out and are forgotten to parties, and are both the oldest in our families. I wish people would take the time to get to know her better, because she is REALLY cool! I mean she is an amazing cook. One time I was over at her house and she made this ham thing. what she did was she put garlic and something else in it and the ham would soak it up, and it was SOOO GOOD! That is my favorite food in the whole wide world. And she is amazing with her little brothers and sister. She has a little brother who's 11 (or is he 12?), a little sister who's four, and a little brother whose just a baby, and shes going to get another little brother soon. Shes really good around them. I would go insane with all those little ones, I mean I'm good with kids, but not when there with me 24 7. And shes a lot braver than she looks and sounds. I mean shes been going to CAP without me, for a while now. (CAP is like a military thing you go to every Monday night for around three hours. You learn about planes and what not...Me and Becca hate it, but hey some people like it.) I mean if I was her I would be scared out of my mind to go by myself. When she started going I felt a lot better, but I just couldn't put up with it. I figured it was pointless, I mean I'm never going to join the military, I'm scared of flying, and I didn't make any friends there (Except for Emily and Becca, but that doesn't count because i knew them before.) I just felt like it was a COMPLEAT waist of my time. And I'm sure Becca fills the same way, but she still going, mostly because her parents are making her, but still.

1:25
I should go to sleep soon, but my head aches back after writing about CAP. That place was so stressful. I think my head ache comes when I'm stressed, worried, or depressed, Which is most of the time. I'm almost always all three, but it is nearly impossible for me to be none of those. If I'm not stressed them I'm depressed, or if I'm not worried then I'm stressed. The only time I don't fill any of those is when I'm with Beth, or at her church, and that's only during the weekends. I also fill sick to my stumic when I'm any of those three. Like right now I fill like I'm going to throw up. Its funny how something so simple can effect you so much, just a tiny thing can set you off. I always kind of get sad when ever were driving in the car or at a restaurant and no ones talking, no one has anything good to say. I don't know why this makes me sad, it just does. Does anybody else have things that just make them sad, and they don't know why? Sorry this is so long, but I don't care lol. I wish I would just feel better. It helps a lot if I read my Bible everyday. You don't realise it at the time, but if you get off track with your Bible, its extremely hard to get threw the day. I'm doing this new devotional called "The 30 hardest days of your life" and it is really good.

1:39
I should REALLY go to sleep, but I want to keep writing. Growing up is hard. Especially during this time. The worlds throwing all this crap at you about what makes you happy, your parents are telling you another way, your friends are telling you a way, adults are telling a way, and the Bibles telling you away. Its all so confusing. I mean really, what is the meaning of life? Is anyone else asking them self's that question? What is there to live for in this stupid mest up world? I mean a while back, I would have done ANYTHING to fill happy again. I thank God that I'm homeschooled, because I could have gotten into a lot of bad things looking for happiness, such as drugs or something like that. I mean it was that bad for a while, were if some one told me this would make me happy, I would have done it. That's why I wanted to be homeschooled, I was scared of what I might do, or get into. Especially at Tri-west were theres lot of pot smoking jerks. I could have gotten drugs easily, There were people in the back of the bus talking about were to get drugs, it would have been simple, that why I new i Had to get out. I don't think I'm a Coward for leaving, I think I'm brave. When your being tempted you run from what is tempting you, you get away from it. That's what I did, I ran as far away from the temptation of trying to make myself happy by the worlds standards. School wouldn't have been so bad, as long as I would have been able to make good friends, but I couldn't. I couldn't find anyone, who was a christian, who was able to hang out with me. Mostly because the one christian i did know was in all the smart classes and ever sense 8th grade my grades have dropped to C's. I wish school came naturally to me, but it doesn't. I'm not motivated by it, and it doesn't interest me. I would much rather, read a book, or even write a book, or something.

1:57
Man, Im tired. I wrote A LOT!!! But hey its been fun. I'll write some more tomorrow. So good night Internet world, I'll see you in the morning. -sarah