the rambles of a tired teenage girl.

11:20 PM
I really need to get to sleep, because I have to Babysit tomorrow and need to have my energy, but I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep for a while. How can I sleep when I've done nothing today to make me tired? That's why I want to get a job at a horse place by my house. I would clean there stalls out, I don't know why I want it but I want that job bad. I wouldn't mind waking up early to do it, because that wouldn't require me to memorise pointless facts, such as school does. All I would have to do is shovel horse crap, and that's easy for me. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody, I would be alone with my thoughts. I could never work at a restaurant were you wouldn't have time to just think, your just running around trying to get orders going, its loud and i would fill like everyone was watching me, waiting for me to mess up there orders. That's why I would want to work at the horse place. I don't even like horses, but it would be nice and peaceful.

If I would have to go to school early, I would die. It's a lot harder for me to do school. Its hard to think, especially when you see no purpose in it. I've gotten in to the mind frame of think, your just going to fail this. Whats the point you'll forget this stuff in a week. Your never going to understand this stuff. Your stupid. You'll never get into college. Does it really matter if you learn this stuff, I mean when are you going to use geometry in real life, or chemistry, or anything else for that matter?

And another thing with school. The stuff we're learning is not all boring, somethings could be really cool, but the books make it boring by pumping endless amounts of pointless facts at you. I don't want to know who lost the battle of blah blah blah. Its like my history book just gave me a whole long list of battles, told me the commanders of both sides, and told me who won and who lost. I don't want to know that! I want to know the stories, and I want to know the whole picture, and I can't get that from a bunch of pointless facts. History could be really really interesting, but they've pulled all emotional connections out of it. Theres no way people can relate to history anymore, theres no way we could fill the sadness the Jews went threw, and theres no way we can fill the happiness the Americans felt after we won our freedom, because the history books throw a lot of facts at us without actually telling us what went on. That's why I fill school is pointless in some aspects, because I can find out a lot more of what happened by reading the diary of Ann Frank, and I'll also gain some morals along the way, and that's whats missing from our school books, The chance to think for our self, and learn from others mistakes. I'm not saying history books should change, I'm just saying they should try to show what it was really like to be going threw that time period, and show that they were real people like you and me. Does any of this make sense to any one else, or is this just the ramblings of a silly 16 year old girl.

12:06 AM
I should really get to bed, but I don't want to. My life is slowly getting better. I mean for a while there I felt like I had nothing to live for. I mean I hardly had any friends, I never felt happy, my parents acted like it was my fault I felt the way I did, and every thing was caving in around me, but its getting there. I mean the only thing that kept me going for a while was God, my family and Beth. Beth told me multiple times that she couldn't live with out me, and I know i couldn't live without Beth. For a while shes the only person that I felt like my self around. When ever I'm around her, I can talk and be loud. Shes my anti-depressant lol. =)

12:19
I want to write about one of my good friends that I haven't mentioned yet. Emily. Shes just a cool person. I think everyone should be more like Emily. She is very nice to everyone, and treats them like they are her best friends. I like her because i honestly believe that she doesn't care what everyone else thinks about her. Shes just out out to be nice. She acts like people in general are good and nice, and I think everyone should think that. I'm not saying be stupid and walk up to a creepy looking person and start talking to them...I guess what I'm trying to say is shes friendly, and I wish I could be more like her in that way. Shes also a hard worker. I mean she does school, plays the piano and violin, plays in two orchestras, Has a job teaching instruments does CAP (Civil Air Patrol), and a lot of other things. You know sometimes I fill bad being around her, cause I fill lazy...i suppose I am lazy. I don't want to be but I am, and I'm really trying to work on that but it's hard to change. Shes also smart, she can read super fast, and does well in school. I think shes a great person, and she means a lot to me. I should tell her all this sometimes. I'm just starting to understand how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you.

12:41
Telling someone how much they mean to you can really change a life. People need to fill loved, and they need to fit in and fill needed. If they don't there going to get depressed like I did. I'm slowly starting to see that people really do like me and that they want to get to know me and theres nothing wrong with me. If some people don't want to get to know me, that's fine with me, its there loss. People have told me, and shown me that they like me, and it has helped SO much. My goal in life, is to show people they are loved, and needed...how do you do that? by building relationships, spending time with them, telling them stuff you like about them, really talking to them, maybe doing things for them, giving them a present, and *shudder* yes possible even give them a hug once and a while *shudder*. I remember Taylor telling me she liked my hair. I was completely shocked. I was like " REALLY?!?" No one likes my hair, let me repeat that NO ONE likes my hair, and there she was saying she liked my hair. It felt really good, and i guess you don't realise how much it matters to you until some one says it. I always kind of thought I was ugly, because some people kept on making me fill ugly over and over again, so i just kind of excepted it as fact. But then there she was saying she thought I had cool hair. Man, it rocked. So you have to really tell people that stuff, cause it really matters.

1:05
I also want to write about my other good friend ,Becca. She is a really cool person to. Shes very tiny and quite, a lot like I am. I think she might be going threw some of the same stuff I have been going threw. We both get left out and are forgotten to parties, and are both the oldest in our families. I wish people would take the time to get to know her better, because she is REALLY cool! I mean she is an amazing cook. One time I was over at her house and she made this ham thing. what she did was she put garlic and something else in it and the ham would soak it up, and it was SOOO GOOD! That is my favorite food in the whole wide world. And she is amazing with her little brothers and sister. She has a little brother who's 11 (or is he 12?), a little sister who's four, and a little brother whose just a baby, and shes going to get another little brother soon. Shes really good around them. I would go insane with all those little ones, I mean I'm good with kids, but not when there with me 24 7. And shes a lot braver than she looks and sounds. I mean shes been going to CAP without me, for a while now. (CAP is like a military thing you go to every Monday night for around three hours. You learn about planes and what not...Me and Becca hate it, but hey some people like it.) I mean if I was her I would be scared out of my mind to go by myself. When she started going I felt a lot better, but I just couldn't put up with it. I figured it was pointless, I mean I'm never going to join the military, I'm scared of flying, and I didn't make any friends there (Except for Emily and Becca, but that doesn't count because i knew them before.) I just felt like it was a COMPLEAT waist of my time. And I'm sure Becca fills the same way, but she still going, mostly because her parents are making her, but still.

1:25
I should go to sleep soon, but my head aches back after writing about CAP. That place was so stressful. I think my head ache comes when I'm stressed, worried, or depressed, Which is most of the time. I'm almost always all three, but it is nearly impossible for me to be none of those. If I'm not stressed them I'm depressed, or if I'm not worried then I'm stressed. The only time I don't fill any of those is when I'm with Beth, or at her church, and that's only during the weekends. I also fill sick to my stumic when I'm any of those three. Like right now I fill like I'm going to throw up. Its funny how something so simple can effect you so much, just a tiny thing can set you off. I always kind of get sad when ever were driving in the car or at a restaurant and no ones talking, no one has anything good to say. I don't know why this makes me sad, it just does. Does anybody else have things that just make them sad, and they don't know why? Sorry this is so long, but I don't care lol. I wish I would just feel better. It helps a lot if I read my Bible everyday. You don't realise it at the time, but if you get off track with your Bible, its extremely hard to get threw the day. I'm doing this new devotional called "The 30 hardest days of your life" and it is really good.

1:39
I should REALLY go to sleep, but I want to keep writing. Growing up is hard. Especially during this time. The worlds throwing all this crap at you about what makes you happy, your parents are telling you another way, your friends are telling you a way, adults are telling a way, and the Bibles telling you away. Its all so confusing. I mean really, what is the meaning of life? Is anyone else asking them self's that question? What is there to live for in this stupid mest up world? I mean a while back, I would have done ANYTHING to fill happy again. I thank God that I'm homeschooled, because I could have gotten into a lot of bad things looking for happiness, such as drugs or something like that. I mean it was that bad for a while, were if some one told me this would make me happy, I would have done it. That's why I wanted to be homeschooled, I was scared of what I might do, or get into. Especially at Tri-west were theres lot of pot smoking jerks. I could have gotten drugs easily, There were people in the back of the bus talking about were to get drugs, it would have been simple, that why I new i Had to get out. I don't think I'm a Coward for leaving, I think I'm brave. When your being tempted you run from what is tempting you, you get away from it. That's what I did, I ran as far away from the temptation of trying to make myself happy by the worlds standards. School wouldn't have been so bad, as long as I would have been able to make good friends, but I couldn't. I couldn't find anyone, who was a christian, who was able to hang out with me. Mostly because the one christian i did know was in all the smart classes and ever sense 8th grade my grades have dropped to C's. I wish school came naturally to me, but it doesn't. I'm not motivated by it, and it doesn't interest me. I would much rather, read a book, or even write a book, or something.

1:57
Man, Im tired. I wrote A LOT!!! But hey its been fun. I'll write some more tomorrow. So good night Internet world, I'll see you in the morning. -sarah