Time.

Last night I was think about how there's no such thing as past or futer, theirs only the present. But the presents moving so fast that you hardly notice it. Just think about it, a minute ago you were reading- "Last night I was thing about....." that's all ready in the past, all you have is a memory. Does this make sense to you? It does to me, time is a really tricky thing. And last night I was wishing everything would just stop, the world would freeze, everything in it, time in its self would stop. But then I was thinking, wouldn't it be kinda lonely, If everyone froze and you were the only one not frozen. You wouldn't have anyone to talk to. It be like you were in a giant wax museum, but you couldn't walk out if you got tired of it. Then I thought, what if you just had one person that wasn't frozen with you. That wouldn't be that bad would it? I don't know...I would choose this guy I know to be non-frozen with me. Ha, when ever I think of this frozen thing, I think of a guy spraying a hose and the water just floating there. It would be really pretty.



Yesterday I was playing out side with all the neighborhood kids. Well just Joshy and Zack really. Joshy's four years old and really cute. We've been best friends ever since he was a baby. He's more calm and relaxed than his older brothers cause he's the youngest. He's the kid in the pic if you were wondering. Zack looks just like him, but older and skinnier. Zack is Seven, and in second grade. Zack is really good at sports and might be going some were with them....trust me I DON'T say that for just anyone. He has some special gifts for sports. They have an older sister, named Disarray (sorry I probably didn't spell that right), who's 11 I think, and an older brother, Mikel, who's 13 I think. I've known these kids for about four years now, and honestly I love them like there my own family. I've seen them grow up, and I've helped them grow up...at least the younger two. I've gotten to see them develop their own personality, and trust me that's cool. Nothing fills better than to look into the eyes of a child and see that innocence and joy. Life is still good for them, their happy and the only thing their scared of is the big ,fury monster lurking under their bed. I wish I could go back to being a child. I think the reason I'm alive is to help children...I really do think that's why I'm alive. If I could delay hurt (when I say 'hurt' what I mean is- world hurt, growing up basically) to a kid, or help a kid threw hurt, then my life wouldn't be wasted. -Sarah

The park, subway, and Imaginary Blood.

It's 1:26 here, and I'm listening to "Driftless Pony Club" there song "Imaginary blood." There a youtube band, and a really good one too. Most youtube bands kinda suck, but this one is really good. Ok...I turned it off now so I can concentrate.

I went to the park with Caleb (my bro if you forgot) and his friends Paul, and Mikel. Paul is 12 years old. He has brown hair, and brown eyes. He talks None stop...and I mean that, he'd walk up to a stranger and start talking to them if he wanted to. It's funny hearing Caleb and him talk on the phone, there both not listening to each other just talking. And Mikel is either 12 or 13, his mom is white and his birth dad is black. He has black curly hair, and is kind of a jerk. Well anyways we went to the park and to subway. I basically bought Paul and Mikel food, but I'm not complaining, moneys money...not really important to me yet. Mikel left with a boy named Josh...we use to call him crazy Josh, but I stop cause I thought that was mean. He has brown sorta skaterish hair, wears skinny jeans, and has skater shoes. Hes small and skinny. We called him crazy Josh cause he would get really angry some times, but Caleb still gets angry and I wouldn't want someone to call him Crazy Caleb, so I stoped.
But anyways, one of the girls working there was nice. She liked my school ring, and said it was pretty. It was really weird cause most people who work at our subway is really mean.

On to a different topic... I was watching "pretty in pink" for the first time to night, and It got me thinking about boys... particularly kissing boys. I've never really wanted to kiss tell this year. But I do now. I want to give a boy a hug, and rube his chest, just fill his body ,really. That's normal and everything...but it's just weird for me. Do people fill this way earlier than me? Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. well I gtg to bed. -Sarah

Emily Dickinson

I've been reading a lot of Emily Dickinson's poems and reading a lot about Emily Dickinson herself, who was a very interesting person. When she was younger she was just like any other kid, happy, outgoing, loving. Except she was very smart. When she was younger she spent seven years at Amherst academy, and made some very good friends there, one of them being her best friend, Susan Gilbert, who later married her brother. But she was plagued with pain from loved ones dying, they would die all around her. towards the end of her life she wrote

"The dying has been to deep for me, and before I could raise my Heart from one, another has come."

Leonard Humphrey, was a principle and friends with Emily, died when he was 25. This upset her greatly, writing

"...Some of my friends are gone, and some of my friends are sleeping- sleeping the church yard sleep- the hour of evening is sad-it was once my study hour-my master has gone to rest, and the open leaf of the book, and the scholars at school alone, make the tears come, and I cannot brush them away; I would not if I could, for they are the only tribute i could pay the departed Humphrey."

Her mom got sick and was bed ridden until she died, and guess who took care of her? Emily.
When her mother died, she wrote,

"We were never intimate... While she was our mother- but mines in the same ground meet by tunneling and when she became our child- the Affection came."

At around the age of 20 she started to seclude herself from the out side world. She would stay in the house, only leaving if it was absolutely necessary. Though there was one group of people she didn't seclude herself from...the neighborhood children. They all liked her, and probably new her the best out of everyone in her town. There's a story that says sense her room was on the second story she would fill a bucket full of candy, send it down to the children with a rope. That sounds so cute to me!

Emily Dickinson ,I believe, would have flourished in today's day and age, because she loved writing letters. That's how she had friends threw letters...imagine her with the Internet.

But anyways, a lot more people she loved and cared for died, before she, herself, died in 1886. She died of Bright's disease. Her brother said "the day was awful... she ceased to breathe that terrible breathing just before the (afternoon) whistle sounded for six"

In her life only 7 poems were published, and she didn't even want them to be published.

You should really look her up and read about her, shes very interesting.

She reminds me of me, I guess. The way she was shy, and the way she was good with children. But I'm not super intelligent, I don't even know how to spell the word intelligent! But I don't think she understood why people had to die, and go threw all that heart ache. For some reason, I don't think she herself was afraid of death, I think she was scared of people she loved dying, tormented with it, really. -Sarah

Why are some classes hard and others aren't?

Sorry this is not my best blog... I've been sick give me a break...

ahhh...I've been sick the past few days. Throwing up kinda sick, Head throbbing kinda sick, falling over kinda sick! My grandparents came over today. My grandma ,Grandma Marilyn, has short, black hair. Shes skinny, and all wrinkly. My grandpa ,Grandpa Leon, has a brownish-grayish wig. When I was little I would all ways asking him to take it off... all he would do was laugh and say no. I always wondered why he would never take it off. One of my theories was that he hot glued it to his head. He always wears these gray shorts and glasses.

I was talking about school to my grandma, and it got me thinking. Hmmm... how can I explain this? Ok, I've Never really been good at school, I've never really been bad, but never really good. And this got me thinking, about the times were I have been really good in school. You know those unexpected classes where ,for no reason that you know of, you've just been good at it. Maybe the reason I am so bad in school ,isn't because I'm stupid or lazy, but because the teachers a down right stupid gits. And those few teachers who actually could TEACH I got good grades in their classes. For example in 8th grade I had a science teacher, lets call him Mr. Science. Mr. Science was a nice guy and everything...but he was a HORRIBLE teacher. He over complicated everything and he was horrible at explaining things. But when I switched to Tri-west I started getting good grades in Science. Why? cause I had a good teacher. He's probably one of my favorite teachers ever Mr. Harrison (thats not his real name). He was short, and quite. So quite ,in fact, that the Principal had to buy him a microphone to speak threw. It was so funny hearing his voice boom across the room. He had brown hair, and some times a brown beard. And he was absolutely a big geek. Which is something I am. (Ok, let me just explain to you the deference between geek and nerd. A nerd is some one who is really smart, dresses funny, and is socially awkward. A geek is some one who dresses funny, plays stupid games, and is socially awkward. A geek is NOT smart, let me repeat that a geek is NOT smart. So there, glad i could clear that up for you.) He was the first teacher to actually treat me like a human being. He would talk to me, and was friendly. He liked my name to, he always said that if he ever had a daughter he would name her Sarah. When ever I would walk in the room he would say "Hello SarAH." That how he would pronounce my name SarAH. But the reason I got good grades in his class wasn't because I liked him, It was because he was a good teacher. Here's the reason I don't full heartily believe in the like+ teacher= good grades theory (if you get what I'm saying) I had an algebra teacher in 9th grade. She had long blond hair and scared the crap outa me. She would scream at people, and was really strict. I didn't like her, but she was a really good math teacher...Me good at algebra? Ya I didn't believe it either. I got A's and B's in her class. I usually got c's in math class. And since I actually understood it, i liked algebra. But most teachers (at least at Tri-west) are losers. Their just teaching so that they could coach basketball, or they want off during the summers. Honestly those teachers get on my nerves, and their are way to many of them. I had this REALLY bad teacher in 9th grade, he taught careers class. He was the basketball coach, and he was WAY to friendly with the cheerleaders... he was horrible. All he would do was tell us to read a chapter in our book and then answer the questions, and thats all we would do during class. Tri-west sucks thats all I have to say.
-Sarah

The clicks and a friend.

This isn't really what I want to talk about , but I want to write it down so I don't forget it. two Wednesdays a go at youthgroup their was a new girl their. No one was talking to her (Like the clicks they are) so I thought I would. I came up to her after the game, and started talking to her. She had her brown hair in a pony tail and was wearing striped socks (I really like cool socks). She was really nice and I liked her right away. She told me she was 17, was homeschooled, and liked Harry Potter. After that I thought she was the coolest person ever. After youthgroup I stayed to talk to her...My mom was trying to get me to leave...at the time I didn't know why, but then on Sunday everything became known....Ya, I'm being a little dramatic here. But the youth leaders put in a video during Sunday school, and it was of the girl. The youth leaders had asked her to come in and spy on us to see if there was any clicks in the youthgroup...and there was. I was the only one who talked to her. Oh, and another thing, Shes really 21 and goes to college with one of the youth leaders, Jen! My mom wanted me to leave so that they could make the video that we watched on Sunday. Do I think this is going to help the clicks at church?...No, not really. I think some of the people just don't care. They want to go about with their life, and don't stop to see how much they hurt some one else. Or they just make excuses like, "oh, I didn't fill that good that day." or "I tried to talk to her, but I got too scared." or "Shes older than me." or "Shes a girl" maybe "She didn't talk to me first." All those stupid excuses are just a way to make your self feel better, and justify you being in the click.

But anyway, remember the girl I told you about that cut her self once. I wont tell you her real name but lets call her Bella (cause she loves twilight...DUMBLEDORS ARMY!!!! um...sorry just had to let everyone know I'm a harry potter fan.) Bella has black hair that goes down to her shoulders, except that night it was up in a pony tail. She is part black (her dads from the Philippians (sorry I know I spelled that wrong.) I think.) Part white. and She has braises. She is a very outgoing person, but not the sharpest knife in the drawer (but thats just cause shes young...she around 14.) She walks up to me and gives me a hug (shes always giving people hugs.) and says shes been praying for me. Not in a sad serious tone, a happy exited way. I tell her I've been praying for her to, and we knuckle bump. Except I was wearing a ring so it kinda hurt her lol. It made me fill good to know someones been praying for me. I don't think anyone out side of my family has ever prayed for me...they never tell me if they have anyway. But honestly I'm so quite and shy that I probibly hardly ever enter anyones thoughts like that. So it made me fill good. And I really have been praying for her.

Sarah.

Other's cuts and bruises.

I want the screaming to stop...
I want the anger to leave...
No matter what I can never please....



I want to escape...
I want to be free...
Free from what? I don't really see...



My head hurts...
Its filled with pressure...
I wish every thing would just get better...



How can I make my life better?
Who knows...Who cares...
Life isn't very fair....



And when you think your all alone in the world...
Well it's some what true...
The ones who really know you are all to few...



Its just the same for them...
Maybe they don't have many friends...
Or they too think their life is coming to an end.



except they see it from a different point of view...
Their point of view...
Its their life...



We're all just people...
trying to figure each other out...
The pressure in our heads does nothing but shout.........



Threw the pain we can see...



Thats when we connect with people...



Thats the only way we can truly know other people's cuts and bruises is if we have our own cuts and bruises.

Trees.

Does anyone else fill like their so far behind in school,
And that its impossible to catch up,
Every thing that I've ever done I felt like a fool.
I fill so worthless and stressed,
You tell me I have it good,
But how can I fill blessed,
When Ever things such a mess.

Maybe It's just me...
Your not the problem,
I just want to be free,
I'm hanging from a limb,
A horrible evil tree that's dying,
I look at others trees,
There big and green and full of life.
But on the inside termites are causing horrible strife.

Why do we hide everything away,
Everyone has secrets,
Everyone has stuff they don't say,
Life is just a game were everyone has to play,

Everyone is envelouped in a life of crime,
Everyone will know your problems,
its just a matter of time.

Does it make you fill good to know this,
Everyone is hurting,
It's a terribly long list,
Or are you like me...
Every hurt you hear,
tares you up like a stormy sea.

Does it make you fill fine,
that their are people with nothing to their name,
that don't even have a dime...
And the ones with all the fame,
are hurting just the same.
To me it hurts so bad,
to know people are so sad.

All the cuts all the bruises,
all the choices we make,
all the lifes we fake,
Put on a smile,
go on with your life,
put up with all the bile.
just another emotion to file....
And hide away.

Every where I look theirs torture.
Trees falling and dying.
Life is like a big apple orcherd.
Trees need other trees to stand strait and tall,
Other wise they'll have nothing else to do but fall.
They need to see the sun...
the light at the end of the tunel

Are we just bones and blood rapped up all in a bundle.

Or are we something else?


I think we're something more,
how else would we fill like our life has been torn.
Theres to much pain
for life to be JUST a game.
How are emotions possible at all
Why does music make us ball.
It's just noise,
But yet its something else, something Better,
How are we capible of letters,
Letters then form words, and words form meaning,
We do we like big pearls gleaming.
Why do we like anything,
Yes their is something more.
Something out their,
And I think he's very fair.

I earned my hurt...I'm a horrible person...I just wish others didn't hurt...but then

agian

maybe they earned their hurt too.

No body heard her tears.

"Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world." - Edward Dahlberg.

This is what life is. Everyone is hurting in there own way. My mom is hurting, my best friend is hurting, my dad is hurting, my sister is hurting, my brother is hurting, Everyone is hurting. The closer you get to some one else the more you realise there hurting. Why does everyone halve to hurt? Why is there so much sadness. The line above portrays five people to me- My mom, My best friend, My sister, My grandma, and Me. I just keep reading that line over and over. "Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world"



"Nobody heard her tears; The heart is a fountian of weeping water which makes no noise in the world" -Edward Dahlberg.

Forever?

Mom and Dad are gone. There at fostercare classes. Our familie's thinking about fostercaring. I was the person who wanted to fostercare the most...but now I don't think so. I'm just so screwed up, I don't know how I could help a kid who can't live with their parents. Man, I wish they would hurry up and get back. I hate when its just Hannah, Caleb, and me alone in the house. (I'm the oldest in my family if you were wondering.) I can't wait to go to bed tonight. For some reason I LOVE the house when every ones sleeping. I can read, play on the computer, or just think. I baby sat today. I baby sat a girl named Ruby who was three, and a boy named Max who I think is about to turn two, today. (Yes, hahah the tv show Ruby and Max) They are adorable.

Yesterday, my mom told me my grandma got really depressed too. She said she still struggles with it. It made me kind of sad to think that. What if it never goes away, and I have it for the rest of my life? I can't function like this. EVERYTHING is hard right now, will it always be like this until the day I die? I wish that day would hurry up and come, so that I wouldn't have to fill this way. I'm so scared of whats going to happen. I'm so stressed all the time, even if theres nothing to be stressed about. I wish my mom and dad would hurry up and get home soon.

Cuts and bruises.

Today I told a girl at my youth group that I was depressed. I've been depressed for about three years now, and I don't have any hope of it going away. I just don't see how it can. And I think my parents think that I fill sorry for my self, which isn't always true. I fill sorry for my brother, I fill sorry for my friends that are hurting, I fill sorry for my parents, I fill sorry for my sister, and I fill sorry for a whole bunch of other things. It's not all that I fill sorry for myself. I think life just sucks in general, I don't think just my life sucks, I think all of life sucks. It's hard to say exactly what I fill. And my parents want answers, "Whats wrong with you? Why do you fill this way?" I wish I could tell them, but the thing is, I don't exactly know whats wrong. It just seems like life isn't worth living. I don't seem to get satisfaction out of anything. I don't seem to fill good about anything, except when I'm with Beth, and her friends. And I don't want to rely to much on that, because their only human and will let me down some time, you know. I really want to get better, but I don't know how. I found out today, that one of my friends cut themselves before. It made me fill so sad! So much hurt all around us, how can anyone be happy with all of that. My little sister, wants to be me. I wish I could make her understand how much better she is than me. Shes great in school, works super hard, puts up with SO much, but yet she wants my life. Shes only 11 but shes starting to get sad, I just don't want to see her turn out like me. -Sarah

bla...bla....bla

It's hard to live life when you see no point in it. It's hard to do anything when you see no point in it. I am so stressed out right now! I fill like some one is taking my brains and squeezing them! I fill so behind in school, like i'll never catch up! And i fill tired all the time. I think the reason i'm sick so much is because i mentally don't fill well. I wish there was answers, and I wish my life felt full, but most of the time it doesn't. The week days are really hard for me, because I don't see any of my friends except on Wednesday, and even then I don't see them very much. And I don't fill God in my life. My faith is REALLY being tested at the moment. I wish I had answers, but some times I don't even know what my questions are. Does that make sense?

Boys

Ok, this is all new to me...Boys. Im 16 and I guess people now a days like boys at a younger age, not me. I have not liked a boy, I mean really like a boy, before. Any one else like that? I guess im a slow bloomer or something. I want to hold hands with him and give him a hug...that is not me. It's weird, I've changed a LOT from just a year ago. I never cared how I looked before, but now when ever I'm around him, I can oddly notice all the pimples I have. I wish my skin would just magically clear up. I really wished he liked me, but I don't think he does. I never really thought it would be fun to go on a date...ya things have defiantly changed. I really want a boy friend now, some one I could just hang out with, and talk to.

Hmmm...my idea of a perfect date. Probably going to an amusement park, and ride on all rides. That would ROCK! Maybe eating elephant ears, and playing games, and winning prizes. We would stay all day, because we were having so much fun. We would eat corn dogs, or what ever there was to eat. Maybe ride on a Ferris wheel and eat our food. Stay really late, and on our way home, talk about stuff. See my date doesn't have to be romantic...I've never really understood romance. I mean whats so grate about it? Romance wont last forever...before you know it, it'll be gone. But having a fun time together, that would be awesome. I would also like going to a circus, or a state fair.

Next best date...Going to the movies, to either see Harry Potter, a Zombie movie, or a good action movie. I think it would kind of be awkward to go see a love movie...and plus I don't get into those movies. I actually went on a thing that was sorta like a date with a boy named James. Guess what movie we watched? Resident evil! My dad went and his uncle and aunt went to. He was sitting at the end and I was sitting at the other end...lol. I miss him though, we didn't break up cause we were never really together, He just moved away. After the movie we would go get some pizza at a local pizza shop in my town, and talk about the movie and what not.

Next best date...Going swing dancing. It is so fun there. Then going to the pizza shop right next to the dance place, and then go to the diner for some ice cream or milk shakes, and then dance some more!

Next best date...would be playing video games, like guitar hero, and fun games like that. Some of his guy friends could come over and play to. Man, any guy would be lucky to have me lol.

Next best date...going out to eat some place cool, like chucky cheese (serious!) ,or maybe a fancy one like....um...Lets see....I don't know. Just going to an old fashion Ice cream shop. There really good.

Thinking about all these dates, kinda scares me. I mean what would we talk about, besides Harry Potter, guitar, and music? Thats why I guess most of these things don't involve sitting down at a nice restaurant, because there would be an awkward silence. But I can really see us going to an amusement park. I think that would be the coolest thing ever! Or going to a circus and riding some of the animals like the elephants. That could be fun to.

Hmmm. What is my type. I think I have lots of different Types. I like nerds. I liked this boy named Parker in 8th and 9th grade. And he was a big nerd. He had black hair, pointy ears like an elf, and had glasses. Then theres the muscular type. When there kinda Strong, but kinda not. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't like the big stupid dumb heads who think there the greatest thing to come to this earth, I like the ones who are humble. And then theres the...the attractive boys. There was also another boy i liked in 9th grade. His name was Eric. I didn't really know him, but one day he talked to me, and after that I was hooked lol. He was the most handsomest boy in the whole school! He had blond ( almost yellowish) hair, that was shiny and silky. His face was amazing, and he was funny. One time I heard him behind me, and I turn around to say hi. Since I wasn't watching where I was going I ran into about a halve a dozen people, and caused this big hold up in the hall way! lol. Well any ways, the boy I really like now, is all of those mixed together.

Maybe some day i'll get to go on a date, but right now my goal is to get myself looking better so that a boy would actually think I was pretty. Talk to you later -Sarah