I don't want to come up with a title.

I just saw a one and ahalve year old little girl, crying when her mom came over to pick her up from my friends daycare. She kept on trying to run back to Amber. She comes over from like 8 am and stays tell 6 pm. Desire considers the girl her little sister.

Old friends

You do not understand how much i miss my old friends.

I miss alayna...I got a facebook wall post from her basically saying she told me so, that we wouldn't be friends after I left. I miss her so much, and feel like a jerk. If i could go back in time i would change my choice, not that it would have mattered any way cause my parents would have made me leave in 9th grade. HA! I remember thinking in 7th grade this is to good to last. I remember asking my parents "I can stay at this school tell I graduate right?" they said that was the plan...ha!!! how things change, the humor in it is stupid. I miss her...them... so much. I feel like I will be crushed with this. You know whats that's like? when it literly feels like a 3oo pound sumo wrestler is sitting on your shoulders, while a dementor is attacking you chest, and a wood peck has mistaken your head for a tree and is looking for some tasty bugs, that's what i feel like right know. I would do anything to go back. I've reread the diary I wrote when i was choosing what to do, I wanted so bad for it to be different, I wanted to tell my 8th grade self, "What are you thinking, stupid! Why would it get better at a public school?!?" You stupid little girl. I wanted to rip the pages out, change the ending, make it better, but I cant. I can't go back in time. And i can't make a different choice. I can't fix what has already happened.

I'm not a creeper I swear!

Seeing George go to BSC makes my heart ache. Theres a big heaviness inside me. A longing to just make everything ok. I don't understand it. I was sorta friends with him, but now we'll never be friends. Not that I would want to go there or anything. But it's just that...I don't know. That I wish I could get to know him better. This goes for a lot of people. People I see on facebook that I'm friends with, but not really friends you know. I don't know, it's just this thing I have of needing to know everybody well. I need to know them as a friend not just someone I see on a computer screen...wow that sounds really creeperish lol. well I should probably go, before I sound completely insane.

-Sarah

GRRRR jkllafdkljaslkjsdlfkjdfkljsdf

Remembering one of the reasons we will be starting phoebe in homeschool next year. She asked if I could just make her a peanut butter sandwich tomorrow because the kids made fun of her subway lunch. Four year olds should not have to put up with that crap. Or be dishing it out either, for that matter. -Ginger.

She's the mom of the girl who is kinda ,frankly, a jerk. And she has the nerve to say this? So aparently it's ok for people older than four to dish it out. Maybe you should teacher your kids not to be bullies before getting mad at other kids who are bullies. Cause all their older daughter is, is a bully.

Struggles.... Oh a bird.

This is from a book I read for school called - "How to ruin your life by fourty." I'm going to write it down for youth group (cause we're suppose to journal.) So here we go ---

Don't kid yourself.
Everybody has issues.
And I mean everybody.
It never ceases to amaze me what lies beneath the surface of people I meet.

A warm, personable young man happens to sit next to me at a banquet table. No one at the table would have guessed that he had just lost his wife and four children in a flash flood only a few months before.

• A beautiful young woman with a passion for the Lord is deeply involved in ministering to young girls. who would imagine that she was raped as a young girl and still struggles deeply with those scars?
• A socially enaging and fearless young man seems to connect so easily with people and understand wht makes them tick. Yet underneath surface is a struggle with social anxiety that few would ever suspect.
• A gifted female athlete who gace her life to Christ in college now leads a ministry to college girls. It would surprise anyone who meets this lean, attractive young woman to know that she has deeply struggled for years with issues of body image.
• A spiritually mature young father has a ministry to hurting people. If he did not openly tell his story, no one would imagine that he once struggled with homosexuality. sexually abused by another man when he was a boy, he spent the next decade and a half of his life in a tortured homosexual lifestyle until he found deliverance through Jesus Christ. He tells his story so that people will know that Christ can deliver a man out of the most hopeless places of sin and despair.

And the auther of the book goes on to talk about his struggled with depression. I guess what this is telling us is that everyone struggles with stuff. But he uses are hurt for something great. I sometimes thing that the people who hurt the most are the ones who are destined to something great, cause think about it, the devil would want to stop you. But ya, I don't know. I was reading Philippians 1 last night. I like verse 12- "Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." What happend to him- he was thrown in Jail for talking about Jesus, and he was beat up and all that junk. I think thats pretty cool. And then

James 5:11- As you know, we consider blessed those who persevered. You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen whar the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

Psalms 139:13- Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

I was looking up verses of comfort and stuff in the bible and there is a LOT of them. And I was looking on line about verses to help depression they seem to help, but I need to read them almost every day just to remind my self. well thats all I have. -Sarah

You FAILED!!!!

I don't think you can pass or fail at life, you just do your best.

who are you looking at? Me...oh.

Do you ever feel like people can read your mind? not just one person, but every person in the whole world, like they know something about you that you don't even know about your self. Some times it feels like theres a giant screen thats right above my head and someones projecting my thoughts on to it. It's weird. I've been thinking about how people perceive me lately, it's not how I perceive myself, I think this goes for everybody though. Some people suffer from thinking there a lot cooler than they are, and others think of them selfs as losers, and there not. It's weird.

I stole this little book about depression from my church, well, I didn't really steel it, it was in the library. I'm gonna read it and see if theres anything use full in it. It said that people are a lot more motivated by feeling then we thing, Cause your dads always like well, i don't feel like going to work today, but I am anyway. Which this book says is stupid to say, because you do feel like it, you feel like you don't want to get yelled at your boss, you feel like you don't want to go hungry. When your depressed you don't care about anything really. You have to make your self do stuff one day at a time. Your motivation is Jesus has something that only you can do. but that doesn't make it any easier sometimes.

-Sarah