I hate being afraid...

Tonight I went out side to look at the stars. I love being outside at night by myself, when there's no neighborhood children trying to grab the flag in my back yard, or avoiding a flash light. I sat down and looked up at the stars, and me being the lazy butt I am, I laid down cause my neck was hurting. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I just stared trying to take it all in, which is impossible for me. But then I started to feel so small and scared, like the sky and the stars were going to come crashing down on my head. I felt like the earth would open up and swallow me whole, and I felt like I was on the top a tall building and if I walked a few steps I would fall off.

I'm scared about this year. If I break down like I did last year, I can't turn to my parents any more. I can't take hurting them like that, seeing the disappointment in there eyes "Why can't you just be happy?" I can't hurt them like that anymore. They think I'm better, but I know it can all go down hill at anytime. I'm scared this time

My birthdays coming up soon. I'm going to be 17. I don't want my birthday to come. I really don't want it to come. I don't really want a party.

I hate going to church. Is it a sin not to be happy? Cause when I go there I feel like it is. All the grown ups smiling there fake smiles, well I can only think of one grown up that really gets me, Ginger. The one who is a jerk. The one who, I guess, hurt my feeling more than I thought. I remember Charlie saying before we would sing a song, "Be happy, this is the day the Lord has made, so you should be happy." ...........What if your not happy? Why did no one help me? Why didn't anyone help me? Why did I have to get bullied? They were so mean. I didn't tell my parents the full extent of what they were doing, cause I didn't want them to worry. They would ask me if I like Tri-west more then BCS, I would always answer yes, but really it was a no. I hated that school, I hated how kids would throw food at me in the lunch room, how those girls would look at me and make fun of me, I hated how I was scared to walk down the hall cause one of the pot heads might point and laugh at me, I hated how people would block the doors to the class room so me and Clarissa couldn't get in, I hated how when they would make fun of us they would say "what you gonna do about it?" "I think you should punch her in the face Clarisse, or get Sarah to fight your fights" "Your a wimp" "Your ugly.", I hated how they would form circles around us so we couldn't walk away, I hated how the principle was best friends with these kids, I hated how I had to stay in the office before school started with Clarissa cause we didn't want to get made fun of, I hated how I was scared to go into the bathroom cause Cynthia might be in there, I hated how I would have to run to the bus so I could get a seat by the bus driver so I wouldn't have to sit in the back, I hated how when I did sit in the back Eric and Cynthia and all their little friends would make fun of me and try to upset me, I hated how that girl wouldn't let me out of the seat so I missed my stop, I hate how people would make fun of my clothes and whisper when I walked by, I hate how the older kids would laugh at me when the teacher wasn't looking, I hate how they would would point laser pointers at me to try and hurt my eyes, I hate how I was so quite I didn't stick up for my self, I hated that the teachers didn't understand, I hate how the girls acted like they were better than me and that I was suppose to do everything they said, I hate how my grades dropped, I hate how the vice principle yelled at me and not the kids bullying me, I hated how the nurse would "lose" my sick notes from the doctor and not tell the vice principle so I would get in trouble with him (everyone new she hated me), I hate that it wasn't just the kids that were mean to me, I hate that people would make fun of Clarissa and I didn't do anything....I hate being afraid.
-Sarah

A purple elephant jumped over the cell phone in the sky.

hmmm......
I'm very lonely right now. I don't know why. I mean I went to youth group at kingsway today and had fun. Met some cool people. Saw Beth, Taylor, and Matthew. (They're cool kids.=) Talked to Chris (the youth pastor) and he asked me about my guitar playing and stuff. But I fill pretty lonely right now still.
Today was a pretty hard day, my brother had a friend over named Ben...and I don't know. Sometimes I just wished he wasn't autistic, like he's 14 but he still cries like he's 2 sometimes. And he gets really upset, and you know, it's hard to have friends over cause you don't know what he's gonna say or do. =(
I love him and all, but I just wounder how my life would be different if he wasn't autistic, but he's done a lot of good for me to.

Another topic. When I was in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade I was super depressed, and stressed and stuff. I told him (my family doc) all the symptoms I had (cause at the time, I didn't know what was wrong with me.) My body ached, my arms tingled, I was tired all the time, I got head aches, my stumic hurt, my heart raced, I was short of breath, and we went threw all this stuff to see what was wrong with me. I was reading something, and those are all symptoms of stress and what not. When we went back there, when I realized I was depressed, he didn't do anything. My mom took me to a different doctor and the doctor had me fill out these test. It turned out I was super upset, I remember praying to God to just let me die in a car crash or something.
I got the feeling from my dad that he just wanted me to get over it, and he was mad at me. I remember him telling me "it's just only gonna get worse when you get older."

But I'm sorta better, we'll see how the school year goes. But I was just wondering, why didn't anyone help me? Why did I feel so alone every time I went inside my church? Everyone just seemed so fake. Especially the grown ups. Walking around smiling ALL the time. And at school, I walked into the FCA (i think that's what that's called.) but all the people in there, were the ones mean to me in the hallway. They were the ones throwing food at me in lunch, and laughing at me in the hallways. =(

But anyways, I shouldn't feel alone at my church. And I shouldn't feel like every time I go in there I have to fake a smile and pretend every things all right when it's not. But anyways....

-Sarah

Ice cube showers.

I just got out of an ice cold shower... literally, there were ice cubs coming out of the shower. It was quite a nuisance, I mean have you ever had ice cubes showered upon you? It's distressful. Any ways it was refreshing, and it elicit memories of the Chicago missions trip......

All the teenagers were at the beach, and the water was SUPER cold. I mean, it was piercing... my bump turned purple. But it was really enjoyable and pleasant. All of use had the VBS songs stuck in our heads, so we started singing them in the water...and doing the motions, which was pure awesomeness. So we decided we're all going to swim out to this pole like thing. So we start going, and it is freezing! But Beth is the first one to do it. She just starts swimming, she gets to a point were she can't touch the bottom, but she keeps going. And then we all join in (All the girls did, I mean). It was so much fun. The water was so invigorating....hmmm, maybe I should join the frozen polar bear club (or what ever it's called.) But that trip was so good, everyone was so convivial. It kept me fastened on whats really crucial- spreading the gospel, helping others, spending time with God, sharing a bathroom with 14 other people...wait I don't think that's one of them. But we did do that, which wasn't that bad for me. I can take quick ,cold showers if I have to............Why does everything I write keep coming back to cold water. It's like this kid at vbs, I think his name was Joshua, who had a fascination with water. I had this bottle water out next to my stuff in the corner (I had the lid on and everything, so the kids wouldn't spill it, silly me ;) and the next thing I hear is "Watch this." I turn around, because when you hear a kid say that they're either about to die or do something stupid, and he had unscrewed my lid and dumped the water out. "Why did you do that?" I ask, his response "I don't know." lol. That was funny. Then later that day he dumped his own drink out, and then the next day he put a pen in Beth's water bottle. Man, I had so much fun on that trip!

One of the coolest things was, when we were out side playing games, and two little boys curl right up next to me. One didn't feel good, I don't remember his name, and then the other one was Elijah. Then earlier that week Danny came and curled right up on me, it was sooo cute. I really needed that to, cause I was having a hard time the first two days, and he kinda pulled me out of my funk. That was such a fantastically, awesomely, stupendously, sensational, week. -Sarah

dreadful mornings...

Mornings are horrible for me.

I hate waking up in the morning, I would much prefer to wake up at around 3 p.m.

That seems to be the best hour for me.

I don't know why I hate mornings so much.

It starts with my head hurting, kind of like it's full of pressure and just waiting to explode, or my chest aching with sadness. It's a pain that's horrible... leaves me wanting to curl up in a ball and not uncurl until the pain is over.

I use to try and sleep it away, but my family just thought I was some freak or something, so I stopped.

I've worked really hard on not sleeping for my family, but it always goes unnoticed.

Today it was really bad...really bad.

I didn't want to sleep, but it was the only way the pain would leave. I tried taking meds for the pressure in my head and chest, but I guess Ibuprofen can't fix that kind of pain. I slept from 12 to 3, and when I woke up I felt better. The pain was gone for a little while.

When It gets like that...it's not just I'm filling sad, I fill actual pain. My chest was the only thing that use to hurt, It was like I was empty and hallow, but now my head hurts to.

Sometimes the pains right above my ears on both sides (like it is now) and other times (like this morning) it's all over the place.

I remember the first time my head started hurting like that.

It's not like a normal head ache.

I knew that right away.

It was like someone cut something out of my head, something I needed to fill happiness.

maybe aliens came into my room, and took part of my brain away, like in the x-files. I need molder right now lol.

But ya, the first time it happened, I remember thinking oh great another pain to go along with my aching chest!

It was weird. I wasn't upset, I just thought it as a fact, maybe I should get rid of the exclamation point, but I don't want to I'm to lazy lol.

But the mornings are always the worst.

Ha, even just watching mornings on tv make me fill bad. I'm so weird sometimes. lol

But I was reading in my psychology book today about this guy who felt the same way I did except he felt bad in the afternoons. He said he would crawl into bed, and just lay there for as long as 6 hours until the pain stopped.

I'm actually scared of mornings.

I really am.

I'm scared that it might hurt.

Especially when I go some place to spend the night. Like on the great race, that morning was horrible. At Beth's house it's ok, cause we get to sleep in until like 1, and over there no one cares.

Man, the pain was really bad today...

I was really tired to, and weak. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

today I felt hopeless...

but only in the morning

The mornings are the worst for me.

-Sarah

VBS, the shalom house, flying wagon, and a trip down memory lane

Ok, today was a good day, but I'm kinda down right now...But I'll talk about why later.

Today at VBS I wasn't in the nursery! I went with Faith and Bethany (Emily's older sister) who taught the kindergarten class. There were a lot of really sweet kids in there. After words I went home and slept for three hours, then I went back to the church area (we didn't go to the church but we were close by) and helped at the shalom house. It's kinda like a restaurant, except smaller and it's free. They only have it open two days out of the week ,I think (hehehe I rhymed.). The two people that work there on a regular basis I like. The lady has black curly hair. Her skin is tan and kinda wrinkly. She smiles all the time, and is really nice. She works in the kitchen. Her husband helps serve the food. He has curly, brown hair. Always wears jeans and a belt with his shirt tucked in. He knows everyone that comes there. But for some reason I really like those two.

Ok now to the reason I'm kinda upset. I just got done watching 'radio flier' with Hannah. Elijah woods is in it when he was younger. It's about these two brothers who get abused by there step dad, and at the end the boy who gets abused flys away in this wagon thing. Ya, that's not very detailed, but I don't care. It just makes me sad to see kids hurt and stuff. Why do people have to be so mean?

I remember being little and trying to make contraptions to fly in. I was certain me and my friends were gonna make 1) a hot air balloon. 2) an air plane 3) a car out of a skate board. But really me and my friends at school stuffed our pockets full of trash and junk we found at recess. I use to have this really long purple coat, it went all the way down to my feet. It wasn't that it was a long coat, I was just super small. I would wear it cause the girls at the school were only allowed to wear dresses, so our legs would freeze during winter! I remember curling up in a little ball and just waiting to go inside! It was like recess was torture lol. The recess playground was pretty lame, all it had was a meddle slide (which the kids christened the big, blue slide), a plastic slide, some swings, and a kick ball field. It actually wasn't that bad for me at least, I liked just walking around and being by myself...wow I was a weird child. I remember one day finding this little ghost collector things...I don't remember what there called, but I apparently found a very rare one, and I was so popular on the bus ride home. EVERYone wanted it. I finely gave it away for five more pieces. It makes me smile to think about that. I remember the first day of first grade I cried cause I missed my mom so much. Then we lined up to go to recess, and I thought we were going home, so I got all ready to go and...we didn't go home lol. Later when we really were going home and I got on the bus, I started crying again cause I didn't know if that was the way to get home, and I thought they were just gonna take me some place and drop me off. But this girl named Emily ,who went to my church, said it would be all right. I also remember leaving my lunch box in the bus, and crying cause if you did that you had to flip a card, which was the worst thing in the world! But an older girl I was walking with to the school (I don't really remember why, I guess we had buddys or something.) asked me why I was crying and I told her, so she took me to the bus and opened the door. We had a hard time getting it open , she had to pull it really hard. And there it was! I was so happy. Man, I had a lot of good times on the bus. We had to wake up SO early to go to school, most of the time we would just sleep on it. It took thirty minutes to get to school from wear we lived...yes be amazed. So it was a good time to sleep. I remember Emily would sleep on the floor and I would sleep on the seat. I also remember my mom dropped me off in the wrong place once, well she didn't really drop me off at the wrong place, the school was just being stupid. Usually before school the kids played out side and then the teachers would blow the whistle to line up and we would all scamper off to our lines. But if it was really cold we would go to this one room and hang out before school started. That's were my mom dropped me off one day cause it was SOOO cold. But everyone was out side. My teacher said if you went to the wrong place you would get in trouble, so I ran around the school like a spy trying to get out of the building. I remember walk behind one of those food tray things...Though I don't know why they would have one of those in a school. I did somersaults around the building and stuff trying not to get caught. Man, I was a funny kid lol.... But what smells come to mind when ever you thing about school? For me it's always black asphalt in the sun. My second grade teacher was the best. She would bring in food ALL the time to have us sample them. We would try food from different countries most of the time, maybe thats why I like trying new types of food. woooow.....I just went down memory lane. I should probably end this soon.

Well, I'm gonna go to bed. Maybe later I'll talk more about my wounderful childhood adventures, like making car like things to go down the drive way, before the bus came to pick us up. Now that was fun. -Sarah

VBS =P and the rest of the day =D

Today at church was VBS (vacation Bible School, for all you heathens out there lol). I get there and just love the feel of the atmosphere, excited kids, rooms decorated, games, snacks, crafts, music! It would be so fun!!! ....But I was in the stupid nursery. Don't get me wrong, I love babies...But three hours with five crying babies is NOT fun, especially when I'm the only teenager in there. Well, I'm not really upset about it. My mom's more angry than I am. I really think the person in charge of the VBS put me there cause she thought I would like it. But it was not fun.
This girl comes into the nursery. Shes maybe one, and shes clinging to the person in charge of the VBS, so I grab her really fast and take her to the toys so she wont start crying. She clung to me for 30 minutes at the least, and hour at the most, and would not let go. That's a long time holding a baby. She was black with puffy hair pulled back into a bun. When the VBS was over, my mom walked in and said I could go hang out with the teenagers. When I left she apparently started crying. When I came back in I went over to hold her and she stopped crying. We had five babies in there. Jessica who stood in the same place for two hours, and cried for a while. She ALWAYS cries when her mom leaves. Then there was Jack, he is super cute and easy to take care of. Then Heavena, the girl that clung to me. Then Max which is Jack's little brother. He's 3 months old. Then Jacob, the VBS person's adopted son. He was probably 2 1/2 months old. He pooped, and it smelled HORRIBLE!!! It was the worst thing ever. Everyone in the nursery almost threw up...it was awful *Shudder*.

But anyways after VBS things got better. The teenagers went swimming. This girl named Tammy drove me around. Tammy's pretty cool. She's very responsible, and cool and stuff. She has light brown hair, and is just a little bit taller than me. (I'm short if you were wondering.) Likes reading (I think.) She like keltic thunder (At least I think that's what it is called.) and DC talk. Well, any ways, we dropped her cousin off, then went to a gas station and got some kinda tea drink. Then we went to Foster's house to go swimming. It was just Tammy, Foster, and me for a while. Foster was shoveling gravel into a walk way and we were talking. He later brought out his acoustic guitar out, played for a little while, and then let me play black bird by the beatles. I have to admit I was playing good. There's times with the guitar where I just wanta stop cause my fingers aren't doing what I want them to, then there's other times were it's like magic. After words he started playing again, then he wanted me to play blackbird again. =) it made me fill good. Then a couple other people showed up, and we went swimming. There was a blue tarp, and a few people (including me) went under it and it was like a club house. It was nice and warm under it. Faith (She has blond hair...and is a blond lol. She's Foster's girl friend.) didn't even get in the pool. It was pretty cold. After swimming we went to taco bell, then we went to church, and there my mom picked me up. But when we were at the church Robby and Alex were being morons. They took Stacy's mom's car keys, and Robby started to drive it, even though he just has a learners permit...not to mention it's some one else's car.

It was a good day, with my friends. There going to the movie theater tonight, but I didn't go because I swum in my clothes and I wanted to go home and take a shower and change.

I'm also happy because I don't have to be in the nursery tomorrow, my moms gonna do it for me. My moms the best! =)

The disfunctional blog...

Ok, I was thinking about what to write, and I think I have it. I was talking to my friend Matthew on facebook, and we were talking deeeeeep. I mean really deep. We were getting personal, like "What you struggling with now?" And stuff like that. And we got on the topic of, why there are so many bad things in the world. How could a good God do that to his people? How can a loving God do that to his people? First of all, I think some of it is the devil, some of it is to make us stronger, some of it's our own sinfulness, some of it's others sin, some of it's because we're teenagers, some of it's because we are weak, and there's a whooole long list. And this year, along with previous years, I thought (this is actually quoted from my diary when I was 12.) "there are to many bad days then good, to much pain then joy." I believe this to be true sometimes. I whole heartily believe this is true. but, What I also believe, and I've come to the conclusion quite recently, that there is good in the world, there is stuff we do not see...or maybe we take for granted. See the world (I'm SOOOO sick of the world) trys to tell us what matters. (What I consider the world to be, is the media, people, the devil, basically anything evil lol.) Like oh, your a loser if you don't have a boy friend. And oh, your a loser if you study. (There was a girl at youth group who actually said, "I use to be all nerdy and study the time, but now I have fun." Well that basically what she said, but anyways, that kinda ticks me off.) Or, oh your a loser if your not pretty. Or what should matter most in life, is your career... Which totally gets me! Why should your stupid career matter that much? Lets see... If I could have a career, I get paid lots of money, I'm wealthy, I live in a big house, I have a nice car, people respect me, I have a pretty family, I'm not happy... Or have a job, were I'm poor, I live in a small dirty apartment that smells like cat pee, I don't even own a car. I ride my bike, or take the bus, People don't respect me, I have an ugly family that I get to spend time with, and I'm happy... I would always choose the last one over the first, every time!



Why do schools do that? You have to get a good job, or you fail at life. From one of superchick songs "You don't pass or fail, you just do your best." You CAN'T fail at life. no matter what. I mean life isn't a test... No matter how many times the school tells you it is!



Also, something else the world tells you, is me! It's all about yourself. And I hate that. I mean everyone hides things, and no one knows the other person is hurting so they think they're all alone! And thats not true! "Don't let it show...If you let it show, some one will know you're not perfect...They'll hate you. How dare someone tell you that you need help! of course you can do it alone." This wont work...Trust me, this whole year I tried to hide it from my parents...but I did finaly exploide...And you know what, it does fill better to talk about it...at least with someone you trust. And it does help to talk to people. Matthew is a good guy, and he and me send Bible verses to each other, or things that we're going threw thats upset us, and he kinda showed me it's not crazy to be a christian...



I mean peoples brains are being flooded with so much garbage there drowning! They can't think straight with all of this junk.



So I was talking to Matthew and he was a little down, and so I started telling him, good stuff I saw in the world. Like at the zoo with Beth, there was this little boy with down syndrome, and for some reason... I just saw how beautiful he was. He was staring at the goats. Theres so much to be thankful for! I might not have many friends...but I have a best friend, who I can tell anything to. And just everyday is hard to get up...but I really don't want it to. I know I'm only a teenager, but some times I feel like I'm running out of time...To do what I don't know? live life? who knows. but it's hard to see what there is to be thankful for, and theres so much good...you just don't see it.

sorry if this sounds a little mixed up, I wrote this like four days ago, but added new stuff to it lol. -sarah.