The disfunctional blog...

Ok, I was thinking about what to write, and I think I have it. I was talking to my friend Matthew on facebook, and we were talking deeeeeep. I mean really deep. We were getting personal, like "What you struggling with now?" And stuff like that. And we got on the topic of, why there are so many bad things in the world. How could a good God do that to his people? How can a loving God do that to his people? First of all, I think some of it is the devil, some of it is to make us stronger, some of it's our own sinfulness, some of it's others sin, some of it's because we're teenagers, some of it's because we are weak, and there's a whooole long list. And this year, along with previous years, I thought (this is actually quoted from my diary when I was 12.) "there are to many bad days then good, to much pain then joy." I believe this to be true sometimes. I whole heartily believe this is true. but, What I also believe, and I've come to the conclusion quite recently, that there is good in the world, there is stuff we do not see...or maybe we take for granted. See the world (I'm SOOOO sick of the world) trys to tell us what matters. (What I consider the world to be, is the media, people, the devil, basically anything evil lol.) Like oh, your a loser if you don't have a boy friend. And oh, your a loser if you study. (There was a girl at youth group who actually said, "I use to be all nerdy and study the time, but now I have fun." Well that basically what she said, but anyways, that kinda ticks me off.) Or, oh your a loser if your not pretty. Or what should matter most in life, is your career... Which totally gets me! Why should your stupid career matter that much? Lets see... If I could have a career, I get paid lots of money, I'm wealthy, I live in a big house, I have a nice car, people respect me, I have a pretty family, I'm not happy... Or have a job, were I'm poor, I live in a small dirty apartment that smells like cat pee, I don't even own a car. I ride my bike, or take the bus, People don't respect me, I have an ugly family that I get to spend time with, and I'm happy... I would always choose the last one over the first, every time!



Why do schools do that? You have to get a good job, or you fail at life. From one of superchick songs "You don't pass or fail, you just do your best." You CAN'T fail at life. no matter what. I mean life isn't a test... No matter how many times the school tells you it is!



Also, something else the world tells you, is me! It's all about yourself. And I hate that. I mean everyone hides things, and no one knows the other person is hurting so they think they're all alone! And thats not true! "Don't let it show...If you let it show, some one will know you're not perfect...They'll hate you. How dare someone tell you that you need help! of course you can do it alone." This wont work...Trust me, this whole year I tried to hide it from my parents...but I did finaly exploide...And you know what, it does fill better to talk about it...at least with someone you trust. And it does help to talk to people. Matthew is a good guy, and he and me send Bible verses to each other, or things that we're going threw thats upset us, and he kinda showed me it's not crazy to be a christian...



I mean peoples brains are being flooded with so much garbage there drowning! They can't think straight with all of this junk.



So I was talking to Matthew and he was a little down, and so I started telling him, good stuff I saw in the world. Like at the zoo with Beth, there was this little boy with down syndrome, and for some reason... I just saw how beautiful he was. He was staring at the goats. Theres so much to be thankful for! I might not have many friends...but I have a best friend, who I can tell anything to. And just everyday is hard to get up...but I really don't want it to. I know I'm only a teenager, but some times I feel like I'm running out of time...To do what I don't know? live life? who knows. but it's hard to see what there is to be thankful for, and theres so much good...you just don't see it.

sorry if this sounds a little mixed up, I wrote this like four days ago, but added new stuff to it lol. -sarah.

Your body is Gods temple...

You know what I think? I'm so sick of people caring how other people look. ESPECIALLY the Christan's. I think they use the phrase "The body is Gods temple." as an excuse not to like certain people, or maybe they think there better than some people. Yes, the body is Gods temple, and yes we should take care of it... But just because someones not dressed the way you like them to be or in a way that's dorky or if they don't match...Does that mean God doesn't love them just as much as he loves you? Or maybe they have acne (like me) and you avoid them cause there ugly...but you use the excuse "There just not respecting Gods temple...They should be wearing makeup or something." Does that make it right? When I was younger there was a boy in my class. (I really wish I could remember his name, but I don't) He smelled really bad, but I didn't say anything about it... cause who knows, maybe he didn't live in a good house, or maybe he couldn't help it. We were really good friends, but I was the only friend he had. Then there was this other boy, who looked ugly. Every one was really mean to him, they would cut him in line and push him down. This was in fourth grade, it just gets worse from there. And you want to know something else? I don't think it ever stops. People might say... Oh it gets better after high school. The only thing they get better at is hiding it. Maybe this will make since - Me and my family were driving along when my dad looks out the window and says "They need to trim there yard." Why does it matter if they need to trim there yard?!? It's there yard. Is it to show respect for what you have... Or is it to make your self look better?!?! I personally think it's the former. Anyone reading this (Especially Christians) will disagree, and I believe they will disagree strongly. But whats more important, making your yard look good, or spending time with people. Don't get me wrong, I believe in showing respect to what you have... But I also believe people use that as an excuse to care about there appearance to much.

And ,I'm writing this part with a person in mind, people who hate fat people. I don't think they will ever say they hate them... But I really think they do (well at least the person I'm thinking about does.) Yes again, your body is Gods temple, and Yes again, you should take care of it. But some people REALLY can't help the weight they are. And even if they can... Does that give you the right to hate them, or look down on them. They can look down on you for sins that you do and they don't! That really just gets on my nerves.
-Sarah

DAY ONE: The first break in.

Ok, still not writing about the cruise yet. I'm gonna write about my dream I had last night.

I dreamed that I was in my house, thinking about BCS. In my dream the school had been a boarding school, and I would stay there tell I came home on the weekends, then I would go back to school on the weekdays. The school was Joshy's house, but he didn't live there. I remember sitting by my bed with Lauren and Alayna, (or It might have been Katie) and learning how to make my bed...I don't know why I didn't know how to make my bed before, but I didn't lol. I clearly remember this. Then, I get this crazy idea into my head that I'm gonna sneak over there, and look at it one more time. I get into the house, and I go into my old room. I miss it so much, I wounder where my friends are at and if I'll be able to see them. After I look around for a little while, I leave to go down stares and find away to sneak out without any of the teachers seeing me. But I'm stoped by a girl who goes to the school. (It's weird, cause she was actually this girl I new, but she didn't go to bcs, she went to tri-west. Her name was Taylor. She was black had black puffy hair. I don't know why I dreamed of her, we weren't friends or anything.) "Sarah, what are you doing here?" I tell her "I'm just looking around, (I go on for a while, I don't know why.) This school was like my home, and I miss it a lot. I just needed to see it again." She shrugs or something, and starts walking up stairs. I go down stairs, but there's a teacher washing dishes, so I dunce back up , and Taylor (But in my dream I don't think her name was Taylor, She certainly didn't act like her.) whispers that she'll help me get out. Then I'm walking across the street to my house, and I ask my mom if I ever lived at bcs, she replied saying no, and my bro says "I told you so." I know I didn't live there, but at the same time I did know I lived there. It was really weird! So I decide that I'll go back there every day, just to check it out. And then I write in this blog "DAY ONE, the first break in." That's when I don't remember anymore. But the filling I had thinking about the boarding school, was peace, or maybe a better word was joy...or maybe peace...or maybe comfort. I felt very protected there. But, if I really did have to go back to bcs in real life... I don't think I would want to. I don't know... I just want a home.
-Sarah

One of the most hardest blogs to write...

Hey, I just got back from the cruise. More on that latter, I really have to get this off my chest. Remember BCS (the school I use to go to that I loved in 7Th grade)? Well, I found this guy name George ,that was in some of my classes, on facebook. He was from Africa, staying in a home that sent him to BCS. Actually almost all of the kids that were black, that went to my school, were from that home. His locker was right next to mine. He had a really cute accent, and his hair was all fuzzy, his skin was a dark chocolate, looking back at some of the pics of him, i realized how beautiful he was. Not only on the out side, but on the inside as well. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true, well as far as I know, I wasn't his best friend or anything. He had a hard time speaking English, or maybe I just had a hard time understanding what he said, but anyways BCS kicked him out cause he wasn't "Smart" enough. It didn't matter, that he was one of the nicest kids there, he just wasn't "Smart" enough. Geese that school makes me sick. No. for really right now, I am physically sick to my stumic right now. I guess I can sorta call this feeling Home sickness. I miss that school so much, at least the one I went to in 7th grade... I saw a pic, of him with some of my two good friends "Lauren, and Alayna." And it made me sad. But (I guess this is really selfish of my, but I'm gonna say it any way cause its what I'm thinking.) I almost don't want him to go back to that school. Not for any noble reason, like I don't want them to do that to him again, or anything like that. I don't want him to hang out with everyone, Lauren and Alayna, cause he wont even remember me. My friends will get to have a good time, and I wont. I'm always left out of everything. I want him to make friends with people I've never met before. I know I'm selfish! I'm really trying to work on that, and writing this out help, I almost don't care if he goes back now. I don't know why I'm thinking of him. I wasn't even very good friends with him, almost not even friends, more like a acquaintance, but it's him I'm thinking about. I'm so weird.



I remember the first day he came to school, I introduced my self to him, and asked if he needed any help with his locker. He just stared at me, smiling shyly, and so I walked away. It was really awkward, and I can't believe I'm writing this, but ya...lol. He later ,when he got better at understanding people and being less shy, asked me to help him with his locker.



The first day I went to BCS. I walked in and saw all these faces staring at me, i was soo scared. All I could see were there shiny eyes, I couldn't make out any of the faces cause they seemed like so many. I could hear them whispering about me...not even joking, they were whispering about me (cause getting new students was a big deal for that school) and I just sat down by the office chairs and waited for the bell to ring. When The bell rang for us to go to our lockers, Lauren introduced herself to me, and helped me with my locker. Later that day during lunch (I don't remember if this was still the first day or not) I was trying to get my locker open. It was jambed, so my friends ,earlier, gave me the advice that when ever it's jammed to bang on it. So that's what I did. This older student (She seemed really big, but she must have only been a sophomore or a Junior.) came by, and thought I was having a melt down or something. And she helped me with my locker.



I remember Bible class in the morning, being with Katie and Lauren. They sat right next to me. Man, I miss those days. I some times wounder if it's ever gonna be like that again... If you ask me I would probably say "no, it's never gonna be that good."And Isn't it just lovely, when your parents or people say, "oh it's just gonna get worse from here." My dad said that to me several times. That gives me a lot of hope, thanks. So I don't know, but I've also been told by college students that it does get better. So I don't know what to believe. Maybe college will be awsome or something. But, that's nice, tell a suicidal (yes, I think I was suicidal, though I don't think I am any more.) that it's only gonna go down hill the rest of your life, great speech thanks, very up lifting.



I remember this one time in Spanish class, I was with Emme, and we were playing a game. The teacher laid some rules out and who ever won, got a chocolate candy bar. Well, Emme won, but at the last minute the Spanish teacher changed the rules around so that her favorite student could win. So the next day, I brought Emme a candy bar as a joke, and we shared it.



Then the end of the year party at someones house. it was awesome. I had so much fun. We played volley ball, foot ball, (they actually carried me, cause I didn't want to go, well I did want to go, but I was to shy lol.) watched a movie "bench warmers" and other things. I wish, I could remember it better. Still to this day, every time I pass the neighborhood were the party was, I have to think about it, and how much fun it was!

But at least I never ever took it for granted. I remember sitting in class thinking about being home schooled, and I couldn't believe how awesome it was. I remember thinking "Never take this for granted, ever." I remember being scared and asking my mom if I would be able to go there the rest of high school, like I new something was gonna happen...It just seemed to good to be true. It's funny how life, like a book, foreshadows key plots in your life. (Man, I'm crying now. I miss that life so much.) See, before I went to BCS and had friends like that, I didn't know any better, I didn't know that I could be that happy, so I was never sad about it. But after words, I do know better, and I miss it. A while ago I asked my self if I would have been better off, not going to bcs, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm glad i went, and have those memories. I bet my parents would find this pitiful, "come on Sarah, this was 3 years ago, get over it." I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get over it. All I know is that I miss it so much. My par ens just want me to get better, if I was to act depressed again around them, they would probably say " I thought you were over this." They act like it's a phase. Well it doesn't fill like a phase, and I don't think it looks like a phase either. It's not just that I miss BCS, it's getting made fun of and bullied, and seeing how mean people are. I remember my mom saying the first day of Tri-west, "These kids are just like you, there just kids." They weren't just kids, they were monsters. They'd beat the crap outa you (if they thought they could get away with it, even if they didn't think that, some would still beat the crap outa you.) for no reason. I don't know if my parents realised all the stuff they did, or how scary it was, or how I would almost throw up each day at the thought of riding the bus home. Thinking about all this is making me cry, I'm trying not to sob, cause my sis isn't a sleep yet, and she'll hear me. I guess I need to get over it, and for the most part I have, but just thinking about it and writing this makes me sad, but I have to write it, I don't know why...I just do.

- Sarah.

Having to do with a list, cruise, a book, and typing quitly

Ok, I have to type really quietly, cause Hannah is throwing a fit about the noise. I don't blame her it's 10: 54, but I have to write. I'm going on a cruise on Wednesday, my grandmas paying for all the girls to go! I've never ever gone on a cruise, I've wanted to ever sense I was 12, Cause I read this book (I don't remember what it's called.) about these two twin boys who's dad, works on a cruise boat. They want to go too so they sneak onto it. The twins sleep down in the very bottom of the ship. and then pirates attack, and they have to save the boat and stuff like that. But the book was REALLY good, at least that's what I remember. But anyways that's not what I wanted to talk about, I wanted to make a list of all the things that got me threw the school year (I know it's not over yet, but it almost is, so just give me a break lol).

The things that got me threw the school year

1. God. --- When I was thinking about what to put on this list, I didn't know if I was gonna put him down. Cause I've been falling farther and farther away from God, And he doesn't seem to be helping. It's cause for the first time in my life I questioned why I was on this earth. Whats the point? God made me, but why did he make me? I saw a lot of things this year, and not one time did I see God in them. (You could argue I didn't see him, because I wasn't looking. And I would for the most part agree with you.) Then I was watching a youtube video of the galaxies and all the stars and every thing, and for the first time in a LONG time, I saw Gods wounder. But let me be honest, I am no were near being all better. I've just started seeing things different, very different.

2. Mom. --- My mom is the best! I couldn't have asked for a better mom! She is very understanding. And I love her so much. Shes the person I look up to the most probably.

3. My friends. ---- first of all Beth! She is the best friend anyone could ask for. I'm one of the lucky ones, some people don't have best friends, but I do, and shes the greatest! Then Emily and Becca--- I love those people! Taylor and Katie--- Man, they are some awesome kids (as Taylor would say, she always says 'kids' lol.) Then Echo at church. Shes been going threw a lot, and I think she was depressed a little like me, cause she got made fun of really bad at school (it made me want to beat some people up!!!)! It helped to be able to help someone. Cause I saw so much cuts and bruises, and to be able to maybe help a cut heal was awsome!

4. Pastor Grant/ guitar playing. --- Grant is the best guitar teacher in the world I must say. He's a really cool guy.

5. Youth leaders. ---- Jen. Margie. Lissa. Jill. Cris. They all rock.

6. Happy music. ---- Lots of owl city (Fire flies, Hot air balloon, strawberry avalanche, Rainbow veins.) and Barlow girl and super chick. I remember telling my mom one day in the car, that I wished there was a radio station that just played happy sounding music, so you could go there when your feeling sad.

7. My family.---If it wasn't for my family, (and fear of what would happen to me after I died,) I most likely would have committed suicide a long time ago. I didn't want to hurt my family.

8. Books. --- Just taking me away from some place and transporting me into another world helped a lot.

9. Barlow girl.---- I know I've already said this, but They really are cool people, well from what I know about them, I don't really know them, so I couldn't tell you.

10. Being home schooled. --- Dude there was NO away I could have gone to public school this year without failing or dropping out. I was just WAY to depressed.

11. Having small group, were I was forced to talk lol. --- Jill is really good at asking you simple yet at the same time hard (?) questions, and it helped you brake out of your shell.

12. Poetry. --- I never realised how things could be so pretty before I was introduced to poetry. And not all of my poetry is sad, the ones I have on here are sad, but I have some other ones that I'm really proud of that aren't sad. I'll put them on here sometime.

13. Children, or I guess I should say innocence. --- Nothing fills better for me to look into the eyes of a child and see all that innocence! I've learned more from children, than a teacher has ever taught me in school! I've learned how love can be unconditional, I've learned self control (Ya when you bring your new guitar out and a kid accidentally scratches it, It takes some self control not to yell at them, though for me, I don't really care. I LOVE when kids play with my instruments.) I've learned how to throw a base ball right down the middle of home plate :), I've learned how to teach, I've learned how to play pretend all over again, and I've learned how to love unconditionally.

14. This blog thing. --- It helps a lot to get this stuff off my chest.

15. Hard work. --- I've learned that if you say your gonna do something, you have to do it, even if you don't want to.

16. Random people sometimes --- You know those people who just give you a smile, or say hi, or go out of there way for you, even thought they don't even know you. I would probably say they don't even know how much it matters to you, but it does. Like today I was walking into "Bob Evens" to use the bathroom cause we had just finished eating with Peggy at steak n shake, and I drank 3 vanilla cokes lol. So when I was walking back out the guy who might have been 17 or 18 said "Hi" and I said hi back, then right after he said "Bye." And I repeated it. It wasn't even that funny, but we cracked up laughing. Just things like that. Oh and when we were at steak and shake, there was this little baby who was black, and had black hair (almost like an Afro) and she kept on looking over at me and smiling, and then I would smile back, this lasted almost the whole time we ate ,we just looked at each other and :)ed. Occasionally I would wave. It made me fill good.

17. Putting one foot in front of the other. --- Just taking one day at a time. As Jill (my small group leader) would say, don't worry about tomorrow, each day has enough worries on its own!

-Sarah

Pixies play house memories.

Hahaha, Just got done talking with Caleb about our old pre-school teacher. I was convinced she was an evil witch, even though she was really nice. On the first day of school, she came in and was talking about the rules and said "When I get angry, I turn into a witch." She was joking of course...but I didn't know that. She had a closet were she kept all her decorations and school stuff, we weren't allowed inside. I thought that closet was were her cauldron was, I could just see her dressed in all black with an evil witches hat, stirring her black cauldron full of steaming, fowl liquid of pure evilness lol. And she even had a black cat...literally it was a class pet.

One day at school I was learning how to write my name, and I was drinking some milk or something like that, and I spilled it. I was gonna go up and git her but.....*gulp* she was in the closet...with the cauldron. So I just sat there, and so some other people went and got her, and she came out and yelled at me, I thought she was gonna turn into a witch and cook me or something, but she didn't and it was all good lol.

I remember the play ground, it was really cool. They had a section for the day care kids to play and a section for the preschool kids to play. There was this HUGE slide (though now it isn't that big) and it had bumps on it. Then there were these dinosaurs, I think there was a green with a long neck, and another green one, like the one below minus the play set in the back. -Sarah

Angery eyes.

Why does my mom treat me like I'm a moron? Do this. Do that. She's like "you need to call Becca and tell her to go here, ok, YOU need to work this out, Sarah, come on you never do anything right." I'm sorry it's just really getting on my nerves.

And I haven't had anything to eat today, because theirs absolutely NOTHING to eat in my house! Honestly, when I went to public school I always got to eat lunch. My mom and dad always say "Schools need to get rid of school lunches!" Well, news flash, when I was taken out of school and didn't get any public school lunches, I didn't eat! Then my dad acts like we don't need to eat. He always jokes about how moneys so important to him, more important than his kids are....and you know I don't think he's joking any more. I'll never forget the time me and Caleb (my little brother) were fighting, It wasn't a big fight we were just little kids. But he came out side and said "You know what, I wish I never even had you guys, you're just stupid kids." Do you know what it's like to hear your dad say that to you? All the while your thinking no one likes you, no one loves you, then your dad comes out side and says the very fears you were thinking. Back to the food thing, All I had to eat today was a small snack bag of chips. And my parents always ask me why I'm sick, and don't have any energy? They act like it's my fault I get sick.

One time my brother threw up, and get this he was only 7 yrs old, and what would a normal parent say "hey kiddo are you all right?" or "Don't worry you'll be better soon." No, my Dad yells at him, makes him cry, then acts like he (my dad) didn't do anything wrong and yells at my brother even more for crying. Ok, I can understand a non-saved person do that...but a christian?

Then one day, my brother was crying. (my brothers autistic) And my dad turns to my mom and says loud enough for everyone to hear him INCLUDING my brother and says "Yup were gonna hospitalise him." It wasn't just that he said that, it was the way he looked. So much hate and ANGER in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to kill him. Continually, I would be forced to stare into those hideously angry eyes. HE was the one that looked insane not my brother. And that day when I saw those eyes, that's when I realized my dad wanted my brother to be gone, he wanted my brother to be hospitalize.

I've been reading my dairies from when I was a kid. And all this really affected me. My dad mostly. I couldn't (and still can't) stand the man. It's hard to forgive a person who thinks they've done nothing wrong, and will never ask for forgiveness. Well, even if he did ask for forgiveness, I don't know if I would forgive him, I mean he was the one who taught me how not to forgive.
Caleb would always say sorry, and my dad would just look at him with those...can you even call them eyes? (They were more like a fire pit from hell, we had to stare into every day.) He would NOT forgive my brother. Never once did he forgive my brother. So could I forgive him?

Sometimes I wish my dad would punch my brother, so that I could call 911, and my brother would be taken from there... -Sarah

I'm reading this book called 'the lovely bones'. You may have heard of it, they turned it into a movie now (who they are I don't know) But this book is torturing me! I don't know why I need to read it, I guess its this dark fascination I have for suffering, what is suffering, why do we suffer...but I guess the real question I'm asking is can people get over the suffering, and move on? That's what I'm really asking, cause If they can get over their cuts and bruises so could I! I don't know....Well anyways the book is about this girl named Susie who was raped then murdered by a next door neighbor. She goes to heaven...and it talks about her family and stuff. I guess what really gets me, is that in her heaven (Each person has a different heaven in the book)shes not happy. Isn't heaven suppose to be perfect? Well, not in this book. And her parents are all upset, and her little brother keeps asking "wheres Susie?" Honestly, every time I read it I get a head ache. Then I have to do something to get my mind off the book...I guess that's why I'm writing right now. But I need to know if the killer gets caught! I have a filling he doesn't... How can someone, a human, do that to another human! -Sarah

Kids.

I'm Watching American Idol tonight. Crystals my favorite! She is so talented with her singing and guitar playing, I love her! But anyways I was playing with Joshy and Zack today, they are great kids! I love them so much. There like my little brothers. Joshy and me have been playing baseball. He is starting t-ball, and so he wants to "Practice" with me. He is really good, but he doesn't like other sports very much, which is fine with me. He's a very gentle boy, he likes pretend games, and he likes talking about fairies (which I have to say I encourage 'cause that's what my mom did for me.) He likes digging, *playing board games* (he REALLY likes that), talking (its so cute, we'll be playing and he'll say "Sarah lets just sit and talk" =), pretending, playing the drums, and playing with cars. Every time he comes into my house he always ask to see my dads old cars. I've known him ever sense he was a baby, and know he's four. I don't remember the day he started talking. But honestly it was like one day I come out side and he's talking! It was so amazing to see his personality develop.

Zack (or Zachery, as I've known him.) looks a lot like Joshy, but there not quite the same. Zack likes almost ANY sport, honestly and he's good at them to. He plays baseball, football, basketball, soccer, bowling, and a lot more. He just likes them, I don't push him to do them, he just likes them. Honestly what ever he wants to do I'm fine with it (well to an extent lol!) He also likes music. I wouldn't say hes good at it, but just the fact that he likes it makes me happy! He loves playing with my guitar, every time I get it out he has to play with it =) He likes my guitar, harmonica, piano horn (you know the long thing you blow into that has piano keys on the side.), Ukulele, drum thing, piano ( I actually gave that to him, it was a toy one.), and I don't think I have any other instrument. But he loves playing with them. I will never forget the time when I taught Zack the E minor chord on the guitar, and I think there was another chord but I forget it, and we walked our neighborhood playing. An old couple asked us to stop and we played for them, then when we left Zack turned to me and said "I thought they were going to pay us!" He makes me smile.

Children are so precious! I want to take them all in and help every single kid. Ever kid God put in my life is a blessing, and I love them all. -Sarah