One of the most hardest blogs to write...

Hey, I just got back from the cruise. More on that latter, I really have to get this off my chest. Remember BCS (the school I use to go to that I loved in 7Th grade)? Well, I found this guy name George ,that was in some of my classes, on facebook. He was from Africa, staying in a home that sent him to BCS. Actually almost all of the kids that were black, that went to my school, were from that home. His locker was right next to mine. He had a really cute accent, and his hair was all fuzzy, his skin was a dark chocolate, looking back at some of the pics of him, i realized how beautiful he was. Not only on the out side, but on the inside as well. I know that sounds cheesy but it's true, well as far as I know, I wasn't his best friend or anything. He had a hard time speaking English, or maybe I just had a hard time understanding what he said, but anyways BCS kicked him out cause he wasn't "Smart" enough. It didn't matter, that he was one of the nicest kids there, he just wasn't "Smart" enough. Geese that school makes me sick. No. for really right now, I am physically sick to my stumic right now. I guess I can sorta call this feeling Home sickness. I miss that school so much, at least the one I went to in 7th grade... I saw a pic, of him with some of my two good friends "Lauren, and Alayna." And it made me sad. But (I guess this is really selfish of my, but I'm gonna say it any way cause its what I'm thinking.) I almost don't want him to go back to that school. Not for any noble reason, like I don't want them to do that to him again, or anything like that. I don't want him to hang out with everyone, Lauren and Alayna, cause he wont even remember me. My friends will get to have a good time, and I wont. I'm always left out of everything. I want him to make friends with people I've never met before. I know I'm selfish! I'm really trying to work on that, and writing this out help, I almost don't care if he goes back now. I don't know why I'm thinking of him. I wasn't even very good friends with him, almost not even friends, more like a acquaintance, but it's him I'm thinking about. I'm so weird.



I remember the first day he came to school, I introduced my self to him, and asked if he needed any help with his locker. He just stared at me, smiling shyly, and so I walked away. It was really awkward, and I can't believe I'm writing this, but ya...lol. He later ,when he got better at understanding people and being less shy, asked me to help him with his locker.



The first day I went to BCS. I walked in and saw all these faces staring at me, i was soo scared. All I could see were there shiny eyes, I couldn't make out any of the faces cause they seemed like so many. I could hear them whispering about me...not even joking, they were whispering about me (cause getting new students was a big deal for that school) and I just sat down by the office chairs and waited for the bell to ring. When The bell rang for us to go to our lockers, Lauren introduced herself to me, and helped me with my locker. Later that day during lunch (I don't remember if this was still the first day or not) I was trying to get my locker open. It was jambed, so my friends ,earlier, gave me the advice that when ever it's jammed to bang on it. So that's what I did. This older student (She seemed really big, but she must have only been a sophomore or a Junior.) came by, and thought I was having a melt down or something. And she helped me with my locker.



I remember Bible class in the morning, being with Katie and Lauren. They sat right next to me. Man, I miss those days. I some times wounder if it's ever gonna be like that again... If you ask me I would probably say "no, it's never gonna be that good."And Isn't it just lovely, when your parents or people say, "oh it's just gonna get worse from here." My dad said that to me several times. That gives me a lot of hope, thanks. So I don't know, but I've also been told by college students that it does get better. So I don't know what to believe. Maybe college will be awsome or something. But, that's nice, tell a suicidal (yes, I think I was suicidal, though I don't think I am any more.) that it's only gonna go down hill the rest of your life, great speech thanks, very up lifting.



I remember this one time in Spanish class, I was with Emme, and we were playing a game. The teacher laid some rules out and who ever won, got a chocolate candy bar. Well, Emme won, but at the last minute the Spanish teacher changed the rules around so that her favorite student could win. So the next day, I brought Emme a candy bar as a joke, and we shared it.



Then the end of the year party at someones house. it was awesome. I had so much fun. We played volley ball, foot ball, (they actually carried me, cause I didn't want to go, well I did want to go, but I was to shy lol.) watched a movie "bench warmers" and other things. I wish, I could remember it better. Still to this day, every time I pass the neighborhood were the party was, I have to think about it, and how much fun it was!

But at least I never ever took it for granted. I remember sitting in class thinking about being home schooled, and I couldn't believe how awesome it was. I remember thinking "Never take this for granted, ever." I remember being scared and asking my mom if I would be able to go there the rest of high school, like I new something was gonna happen...It just seemed to good to be true. It's funny how life, like a book, foreshadows key plots in your life. (Man, I'm crying now. I miss that life so much.) See, before I went to BCS and had friends like that, I didn't know any better, I didn't know that I could be that happy, so I was never sad about it. But after words, I do know better, and I miss it. A while ago I asked my self if I would have been better off, not going to bcs, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm glad i went, and have those memories. I bet my parents would find this pitiful, "come on Sarah, this was 3 years ago, get over it." I don't know when I'm gonna be able to get over it. All I know is that I miss it so much. My par ens just want me to get better, if I was to act depressed again around them, they would probably say " I thought you were over this." They act like it's a phase. Well it doesn't fill like a phase, and I don't think it looks like a phase either. It's not just that I miss BCS, it's getting made fun of and bullied, and seeing how mean people are. I remember my mom saying the first day of Tri-west, "These kids are just like you, there just kids." They weren't just kids, they were monsters. They'd beat the crap outa you (if they thought they could get away with it, even if they didn't think that, some would still beat the crap outa you.) for no reason. I don't know if my parents realised all the stuff they did, or how scary it was, or how I would almost throw up each day at the thought of riding the bus home. Thinking about all this is making me cry, I'm trying not to sob, cause my sis isn't a sleep yet, and she'll hear me. I guess I need to get over it, and for the most part I have, but just thinking about it and writing this makes me sad, but I have to write it, I don't know why...I just do.

- Sarah.