I fill so loved right now!!! Katie my friend that I met at Beths youth group wrote me a letter saying- "I had SO much fun tonight! Thanks to you and Beth for inviting me!!! :) That makes me fill special and loved haha. On the way home Taylor, Beth, and I talked and all agreed that we should get together some time! Maybe a sleep over? I think we could have one AWSOME party haha. Well thats all for now.
Thanks again for the invite!
Talk to you soon!
Katie
This made me fill so good! I haven't felt this good since last summer and its almost March now! Do you know what the meaning of life is? I don't, but i have a theory. I think the meaning of life is to love people like God loved us and to be loved. I think we should show people God's love. Thats the only way I fill happy and full. If you don't have friends, you fill HORRIBLE! Trust I know from experience. And the only thing you can do is to keep trying tell it gets better. I know what it's like to think it'll NEVER EVER get better, but don't give up. Just take one day at a time, and eventually God will show his love to you, and people will show their love to you. And DON'T think your the only one to fill this way, your not. What ever it is some one else has been threw it to. I mean people are hurting all around you, you just have to look and care. I read a good friend of mine's short story about a hard time she was going threw in her life. It was very sad, and I could see how it effected her even to this day. Every ones hurting, so don't feel alone.
Some times you just have to find the niche you fit in. And sometimes you have to change your self to fit in. It is REALLY hard for a person to just up and change with people they've known there whole life, so what I did was very weird for me. I started going to my friends youth group along with mine. I could change my self to be anyone I wanted to be, so I changed into a more open person. The key is to be honest with others and yourself. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. I started answering questions during small group and telling them some stuff that i've been threw. And i've realized that after I started being more open with them, I was more open with my old friends.
But ya I just wanted to remember this day, and talk about something happy for once =) -sarah
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
the rambles of a tired teenage girl.
11:20 PM
I really need to get to sleep, because I have to Babysit tomorrow and need to have my energy, but I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep for a while. How can I sleep when I've done nothing today to make me tired? That's why I want to get a job at a horse place by my house. I would clean there stalls out, I don't know why I want it but I want that job bad. I wouldn't mind waking up early to do it, because that wouldn't require me to memorise pointless facts, such as school does. All I would have to do is shovel horse crap, and that's easy for me. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody, I would be alone with my thoughts. I could never work at a restaurant were you wouldn't have time to just think, your just running around trying to get orders going, its loud and i would fill like everyone was watching me, waiting for me to mess up there orders. That's why I would want to work at the horse place. I don't even like horses, but it would be nice and peaceful.
If I would have to go to school early, I would die. It's a lot harder for me to do school. Its hard to think, especially when you see no purpose in it. I've gotten in to the mind frame of think, your just going to fail this. Whats the point you'll forget this stuff in a week. Your never going to understand this stuff. Your stupid. You'll never get into college. Does it really matter if you learn this stuff, I mean when are you going to use geometry in real life, or chemistry, or anything else for that matter?
And another thing with school. The stuff we're learning is not all boring, somethings could be really cool, but the books make it boring by pumping endless amounts of pointless facts at you. I don't want to know who lost the battle of blah blah blah. Its like my history book just gave me a whole long list of battles, told me the commanders of both sides, and told me who won and who lost. I don't want to know that! I want to know the stories, and I want to know the whole picture, and I can't get that from a bunch of pointless facts. History could be really really interesting, but they've pulled all emotional connections out of it. Theres no way people can relate to history anymore, theres no way we could fill the sadness the Jews went threw, and theres no way we can fill the happiness the Americans felt after we won our freedom, because the history books throw a lot of facts at us without actually telling us what went on. That's why I fill school is pointless in some aspects, because I can find out a lot more of what happened by reading the diary of Ann Frank, and I'll also gain some morals along the way, and that's whats missing from our school books, The chance to think for our self, and learn from others mistakes. I'm not saying history books should change, I'm just saying they should try to show what it was really like to be going threw that time period, and show that they were real people like you and me. Does any of this make sense to any one else, or is this just the ramblings of a silly 16 year old girl.
12:06 AM
I should really get to bed, but I don't want to. My life is slowly getting better. I mean for a while there I felt like I had nothing to live for. I mean I hardly had any friends, I never felt happy, my parents acted like it was my fault I felt the way I did, and every thing was caving in around me, but its getting there. I mean the only thing that kept me going for a while was God, my family and Beth. Beth told me multiple times that she couldn't live with out me, and I know i couldn't live without Beth. For a while shes the only person that I felt like my self around. When ever I'm around her, I can talk and be loud. Shes my anti-depressant lol. =)
12:19
I want to write about one of my good friends that I haven't mentioned yet. Emily. Shes just a cool person. I think everyone should be more like Emily. She is very nice to everyone, and treats them like they are her best friends. I like her because i honestly believe that she doesn't care what everyone else thinks about her. Shes just out out to be nice. She acts like people in general are good and nice, and I think everyone should think that. I'm not saying be stupid and walk up to a creepy looking person and start talking to them...I guess what I'm trying to say is shes friendly, and I wish I could be more like her in that way. Shes also a hard worker. I mean she does school, plays the piano and violin, plays in two orchestras, Has a job teaching instruments does CAP (Civil Air Patrol), and a lot of other things. You know sometimes I fill bad being around her, cause I fill lazy...i suppose I am lazy. I don't want to be but I am, and I'm really trying to work on that but it's hard to change. Shes also smart, she can read super fast, and does well in school. I think shes a great person, and she means a lot to me. I should tell her all this sometimes. I'm just starting to understand how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you.
12:41
Telling someone how much they mean to you can really change a life. People need to fill loved, and they need to fit in and fill needed. If they don't there going to get depressed like I did. I'm slowly starting to see that people really do like me and that they want to get to know me and theres nothing wrong with me. If some people don't want to get to know me, that's fine with me, its there loss. People have told me, and shown me that they like me, and it has helped SO much. My goal in life, is to show people they are loved, and needed...how do you do that? by building relationships, spending time with them, telling them stuff you like about them, really talking to them, maybe doing things for them, giving them a present, and *shudder* yes possible even give them a hug once and a while *shudder*. I remember Taylor telling me she liked my hair. I was completely shocked. I was like " REALLY?!?" No one likes my hair, let me repeat that NO ONE likes my hair, and there she was saying she liked my hair. It felt really good, and i guess you don't realise how much it matters to you until some one says it. I always kind of thought I was ugly, because some people kept on making me fill ugly over and over again, so i just kind of excepted it as fact. But then there she was saying she thought I had cool hair. Man, it rocked. So you have to really tell people that stuff, cause it really matters.
1:05
I also want to write about my other good friend ,Becca. She is a really cool person to. Shes very tiny and quite, a lot like I am. I think she might be going threw some of the same stuff I have been going threw. We both get left out and are forgotten to parties, and are both the oldest in our families. I wish people would take the time to get to know her better, because she is REALLY cool! I mean she is an amazing cook. One time I was over at her house and she made this ham thing. what she did was she put garlic and something else in it and the ham would soak it up, and it was SOOO GOOD! That is my favorite food in the whole wide world. And she is amazing with her little brothers and sister. She has a little brother who's 11 (or is he 12?), a little sister who's four, and a little brother whose just a baby, and shes going to get another little brother soon. Shes really good around them. I would go insane with all those little ones, I mean I'm good with kids, but not when there with me 24 7. And shes a lot braver than she looks and sounds. I mean shes been going to CAP without me, for a while now. (CAP is like a military thing you go to every Monday night for around three hours. You learn about planes and what not...Me and Becca hate it, but hey some people like it.) I mean if I was her I would be scared out of my mind to go by myself. When she started going I felt a lot better, but I just couldn't put up with it. I figured it was pointless, I mean I'm never going to join the military, I'm scared of flying, and I didn't make any friends there (Except for Emily and Becca, but that doesn't count because i knew them before.) I just felt like it was a COMPLEAT waist of my time. And I'm sure Becca fills the same way, but she still going, mostly because her parents are making her, but still.
1:25
I should go to sleep soon, but my head aches back after writing about CAP. That place was so stressful. I think my head ache comes when I'm stressed, worried, or depressed, Which is most of the time. I'm almost always all three, but it is nearly impossible for me to be none of those. If I'm not stressed them I'm depressed, or if I'm not worried then I'm stressed. The only time I don't fill any of those is when I'm with Beth, or at her church, and that's only during the weekends. I also fill sick to my stumic when I'm any of those three. Like right now I fill like I'm going to throw up. Its funny how something so simple can effect you so much, just a tiny thing can set you off. I always kind of get sad when ever were driving in the car or at a restaurant and no ones talking, no one has anything good to say. I don't know why this makes me sad, it just does. Does anybody else have things that just make them sad, and they don't know why? Sorry this is so long, but I don't care lol. I wish I would just feel better. It helps a lot if I read my Bible everyday. You don't realise it at the time, but if you get off track with your Bible, its extremely hard to get threw the day. I'm doing this new devotional called "The 30 hardest days of your life" and it is really good.
1:39
I should REALLY go to sleep, but I want to keep writing. Growing up is hard. Especially during this time. The worlds throwing all this crap at you about what makes you happy, your parents are telling you another way, your friends are telling you a way, adults are telling a way, and the Bibles telling you away. Its all so confusing. I mean really, what is the meaning of life? Is anyone else asking them self's that question? What is there to live for in this stupid mest up world? I mean a while back, I would have done ANYTHING to fill happy again. I thank God that I'm homeschooled, because I could have gotten into a lot of bad things looking for happiness, such as drugs or something like that. I mean it was that bad for a while, were if some one told me this would make me happy, I would have done it. That's why I wanted to be homeschooled, I was scared of what I might do, or get into. Especially at Tri-west were theres lot of pot smoking jerks. I could have gotten drugs easily, There were people in the back of the bus talking about were to get drugs, it would have been simple, that why I new i Had to get out. I don't think I'm a Coward for leaving, I think I'm brave. When your being tempted you run from what is tempting you, you get away from it. That's what I did, I ran as far away from the temptation of trying to make myself happy by the worlds standards. School wouldn't have been so bad, as long as I would have been able to make good friends, but I couldn't. I couldn't find anyone, who was a christian, who was able to hang out with me. Mostly because the one christian i did know was in all the smart classes and ever sense 8th grade my grades have dropped to C's. I wish school came naturally to me, but it doesn't. I'm not motivated by it, and it doesn't interest me. I would much rather, read a book, or even write a book, or something.
1:57
Man, Im tired. I wrote A LOT!!! But hey its been fun. I'll write some more tomorrow. So good night Internet world, I'll see you in the morning. -sarah
I really need to get to sleep, because I have to Babysit tomorrow and need to have my energy, but I don't think I'll be able to go to sleep for a while. How can I sleep when I've done nothing today to make me tired? That's why I want to get a job at a horse place by my house. I would clean there stalls out, I don't know why I want it but I want that job bad. I wouldn't mind waking up early to do it, because that wouldn't require me to memorise pointless facts, such as school does. All I would have to do is shovel horse crap, and that's easy for me. I wouldn't have to talk to anybody, I would be alone with my thoughts. I could never work at a restaurant were you wouldn't have time to just think, your just running around trying to get orders going, its loud and i would fill like everyone was watching me, waiting for me to mess up there orders. That's why I would want to work at the horse place. I don't even like horses, but it would be nice and peaceful.
If I would have to go to school early, I would die. It's a lot harder for me to do school. Its hard to think, especially when you see no purpose in it. I've gotten in to the mind frame of think, your just going to fail this. Whats the point you'll forget this stuff in a week. Your never going to understand this stuff. Your stupid. You'll never get into college. Does it really matter if you learn this stuff, I mean when are you going to use geometry in real life, or chemistry, or anything else for that matter?
And another thing with school. The stuff we're learning is not all boring, somethings could be really cool, but the books make it boring by pumping endless amounts of pointless facts at you. I don't want to know who lost the battle of blah blah blah. Its like my history book just gave me a whole long list of battles, told me the commanders of both sides, and told me who won and who lost. I don't want to know that! I want to know the stories, and I want to know the whole picture, and I can't get that from a bunch of pointless facts. History could be really really interesting, but they've pulled all emotional connections out of it. Theres no way people can relate to history anymore, theres no way we could fill the sadness the Jews went threw, and theres no way we can fill the happiness the Americans felt after we won our freedom, because the history books throw a lot of facts at us without actually telling us what went on. That's why I fill school is pointless in some aspects, because I can find out a lot more of what happened by reading the diary of Ann Frank, and I'll also gain some morals along the way, and that's whats missing from our school books, The chance to think for our self, and learn from others mistakes. I'm not saying history books should change, I'm just saying they should try to show what it was really like to be going threw that time period, and show that they were real people like you and me. Does any of this make sense to any one else, or is this just the ramblings of a silly 16 year old girl.
12:06 AM
I should really get to bed, but I don't want to. My life is slowly getting better. I mean for a while there I felt like I had nothing to live for. I mean I hardly had any friends, I never felt happy, my parents acted like it was my fault I felt the way I did, and every thing was caving in around me, but its getting there. I mean the only thing that kept me going for a while was God, my family and Beth. Beth told me multiple times that she couldn't live with out me, and I know i couldn't live without Beth. For a while shes the only person that I felt like my self around. When ever I'm around her, I can talk and be loud. Shes my anti-depressant lol. =)
12:19
I want to write about one of my good friends that I haven't mentioned yet. Emily. Shes just a cool person. I think everyone should be more like Emily. She is very nice to everyone, and treats them like they are her best friends. I like her because i honestly believe that she doesn't care what everyone else thinks about her. Shes just out out to be nice. She acts like people in general are good and nice, and I think everyone should think that. I'm not saying be stupid and walk up to a creepy looking person and start talking to them...I guess what I'm trying to say is shes friendly, and I wish I could be more like her in that way. Shes also a hard worker. I mean she does school, plays the piano and violin, plays in two orchestras, Has a job teaching instruments does CAP (Civil Air Patrol), and a lot of other things. You know sometimes I fill bad being around her, cause I fill lazy...i suppose I am lazy. I don't want to be but I am, and I'm really trying to work on that but it's hard to change. Shes also smart, she can read super fast, and does well in school. I think shes a great person, and she means a lot to me. I should tell her all this sometimes. I'm just starting to understand how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you.
12:41
Telling someone how much they mean to you can really change a life. People need to fill loved, and they need to fit in and fill needed. If they don't there going to get depressed like I did. I'm slowly starting to see that people really do like me and that they want to get to know me and theres nothing wrong with me. If some people don't want to get to know me, that's fine with me, its there loss. People have told me, and shown me that they like me, and it has helped SO much. My goal in life, is to show people they are loved, and needed...how do you do that? by building relationships, spending time with them, telling them stuff you like about them, really talking to them, maybe doing things for them, giving them a present, and *shudder* yes possible even give them a hug once and a while *shudder*. I remember Taylor telling me she liked my hair. I was completely shocked. I was like " REALLY?!?" No one likes my hair, let me repeat that NO ONE likes my hair, and there she was saying she liked my hair. It felt really good, and i guess you don't realise how much it matters to you until some one says it. I always kind of thought I was ugly, because some people kept on making me fill ugly over and over again, so i just kind of excepted it as fact. But then there she was saying she thought I had cool hair. Man, it rocked. So you have to really tell people that stuff, cause it really matters.
1:05
I also want to write about my other good friend ,Becca. She is a really cool person to. Shes very tiny and quite, a lot like I am. I think she might be going threw some of the same stuff I have been going threw. We both get left out and are forgotten to parties, and are both the oldest in our families. I wish people would take the time to get to know her better, because she is REALLY cool! I mean she is an amazing cook. One time I was over at her house and she made this ham thing. what she did was she put garlic and something else in it and the ham would soak it up, and it was SOOO GOOD! That is my favorite food in the whole wide world. And she is amazing with her little brothers and sister. She has a little brother who's 11 (or is he 12?), a little sister who's four, and a little brother whose just a baby, and shes going to get another little brother soon. Shes really good around them. I would go insane with all those little ones, I mean I'm good with kids, but not when there with me 24 7. And shes a lot braver than she looks and sounds. I mean shes been going to CAP without me, for a while now. (CAP is like a military thing you go to every Monday night for around three hours. You learn about planes and what not...Me and Becca hate it, but hey some people like it.) I mean if I was her I would be scared out of my mind to go by myself. When she started going I felt a lot better, but I just couldn't put up with it. I figured it was pointless, I mean I'm never going to join the military, I'm scared of flying, and I didn't make any friends there (Except for Emily and Becca, but that doesn't count because i knew them before.) I just felt like it was a COMPLEAT waist of my time. And I'm sure Becca fills the same way, but she still going, mostly because her parents are making her, but still.
1:25
I should go to sleep soon, but my head aches back after writing about CAP. That place was so stressful. I think my head ache comes when I'm stressed, worried, or depressed, Which is most of the time. I'm almost always all three, but it is nearly impossible for me to be none of those. If I'm not stressed them I'm depressed, or if I'm not worried then I'm stressed. The only time I don't fill any of those is when I'm with Beth, or at her church, and that's only during the weekends. I also fill sick to my stumic when I'm any of those three. Like right now I fill like I'm going to throw up. Its funny how something so simple can effect you so much, just a tiny thing can set you off. I always kind of get sad when ever were driving in the car or at a restaurant and no ones talking, no one has anything good to say. I don't know why this makes me sad, it just does. Does anybody else have things that just make them sad, and they don't know why? Sorry this is so long, but I don't care lol. I wish I would just feel better. It helps a lot if I read my Bible everyday. You don't realise it at the time, but if you get off track with your Bible, its extremely hard to get threw the day. I'm doing this new devotional called "The 30 hardest days of your life" and it is really good.
1:39
I should REALLY go to sleep, but I want to keep writing. Growing up is hard. Especially during this time. The worlds throwing all this crap at you about what makes you happy, your parents are telling you another way, your friends are telling you a way, adults are telling a way, and the Bibles telling you away. Its all so confusing. I mean really, what is the meaning of life? Is anyone else asking them self's that question? What is there to live for in this stupid mest up world? I mean a while back, I would have done ANYTHING to fill happy again. I thank God that I'm homeschooled, because I could have gotten into a lot of bad things looking for happiness, such as drugs or something like that. I mean it was that bad for a while, were if some one told me this would make me happy, I would have done it. That's why I wanted to be homeschooled, I was scared of what I might do, or get into. Especially at Tri-west were theres lot of pot smoking jerks. I could have gotten drugs easily, There were people in the back of the bus talking about were to get drugs, it would have been simple, that why I new i Had to get out. I don't think I'm a Coward for leaving, I think I'm brave. When your being tempted you run from what is tempting you, you get away from it. That's what I did, I ran as far away from the temptation of trying to make myself happy by the worlds standards. School wouldn't have been so bad, as long as I would have been able to make good friends, but I couldn't. I couldn't find anyone, who was a christian, who was able to hang out with me. Mostly because the one christian i did know was in all the smart classes and ever sense 8th grade my grades have dropped to C's. I wish school came naturally to me, but it doesn't. I'm not motivated by it, and it doesn't interest me. I would much rather, read a book, or even write a book, or something.
1:57
Man, Im tired. I wrote A LOT!!! But hey its been fun. I'll write some more tomorrow. So good night Internet world, I'll see you in the morning. -sarah
looking on the bright side.
Ok you know those days were you fill like everyone hates you, you let everyone down, and you think your a failer...ya todays one of those days. UGG! It all started because my mom wanted me to go get my hair cut. I didn't want to, because I am HORRIBLE at picking out hair styles, and I just wanted it to be the same. She got really mad at me, saying I never want to leave the house and making me fill ugly. I know she doesn't mean to make me fill ugly and failerish, but she does. I let EVERYONE down...Sorry this is so boring, but hey im homeschooled I don't get out of the house much lol. I have a really bad head ache, cause i fill so horrible.
But any ways I had a really fun time yesterday at youthgroup. Probibly one of my favorit memorys was created yesterday. My friends Taylor, Katie, and of corse Beth were the only ones from our small group there. When ever Im around them I fill like Im in 7th grade again, and i just get really happy. Jill is our small groups leader and shes really cool too. Shes very easy to talk with. We all were talking, and she just says "I love you guys". It made me fill SOO good. I never really felt loved by any adult before, except my parents and even then I always just thought they had to love me, it was there job. I would some times think, what if my parents weren't my parents, and I was born into a different family. My parents wouldn't love me, like me, or even know me. So for an adult to say that to me, who wasn't my family member, it felt good. I've been trying to focus on that memory all day, so that i wouldn't fill so depressed and its sorta working, but sorta not at the same time. And she seems more like a person to me, like she really understands what teenagers are going threw. She talks about stuff that happened to her when she was our age, and thats new to me. Most grown ups i know don't talk about their childhood or teen years, well at least they don't talk about it to me. They seemed to just have sprung into being the way i know them to be. Like they were programed with all that wisdom, and never had to learn any of it. I remember the first time thinking that parents or adults were people. I was in 8th grade and a teacher said "think about it. parents are just a bigger version of you." I was shocked for some reason. I don't know what i thought they were, wizards, elfs, goldfish, who knows? but i sure as heck didn't think they were just bigger and wiser kids. And I can really tell Jill understands what were going threw, because she talks about her teen years.
And after youth group we all just kind of hung out. I just like being around them so much. They really lission to me, and i fill like they want to hear me talk, and don't want me to just shut up so they could start talking. I told them how i felt about them, that Beth and them were some of my best friends. I said this because so many times my best friends don't know that they are my best friends. I mean I don't think i've told anyone at BCS that 7th grade was the happiest year of my life because of them, and i didn't want them to leave me too without knowing how much they mean to me. Honestly, I can't believe I told them they were my best friends. I don't usually put that information out there, because im scared it could hurt me in the end, or that what if they leave me like my friends did and im all alone again. But ive decided im not going to care what happens, im going to live in the present. We were some of the last ones out of the church cause we just sat around talking. My parents were nice and let me stay for a while because i was having so much fun. I am SOO jealous of them, how they get to go to the same school and see each other every day. I wish instead of tri-west, i went to avon. Even if I did get bullied at avon ,like i did at tri-west, it wouldn't be so bad because I would have friends.
I can't believe how much this helped me to write all this out, my head ache isn't as bad, and i fill a little bit happy now. -sarah
But any ways I had a really fun time yesterday at youthgroup. Probibly one of my favorit memorys was created yesterday. My friends Taylor, Katie, and of corse Beth were the only ones from our small group there. When ever Im around them I fill like Im in 7th grade again, and i just get really happy. Jill is our small groups leader and shes really cool too. Shes very easy to talk with. We all were talking, and she just says "I love you guys". It made me fill SOO good. I never really felt loved by any adult before, except my parents and even then I always just thought they had to love me, it was there job. I would some times think, what if my parents weren't my parents, and I was born into a different family. My parents wouldn't love me, like me, or even know me. So for an adult to say that to me, who wasn't my family member, it felt good. I've been trying to focus on that memory all day, so that i wouldn't fill so depressed and its sorta working, but sorta not at the same time. And she seems more like a person to me, like she really understands what teenagers are going threw. She talks about stuff that happened to her when she was our age, and thats new to me. Most grown ups i know don't talk about their childhood or teen years, well at least they don't talk about it to me. They seemed to just have sprung into being the way i know them to be. Like they were programed with all that wisdom, and never had to learn any of it. I remember the first time thinking that parents or adults were people. I was in 8th grade and a teacher said "think about it. parents are just a bigger version of you." I was shocked for some reason. I don't know what i thought they were, wizards, elfs, goldfish, who knows? but i sure as heck didn't think they were just bigger and wiser kids. And I can really tell Jill understands what were going threw, because she talks about her teen years.
And after youth group we all just kind of hung out. I just like being around them so much. They really lission to me, and i fill like they want to hear me talk, and don't want me to just shut up so they could start talking. I told them how i felt about them, that Beth and them were some of my best friends. I said this because so many times my best friends don't know that they are my best friends. I mean I don't think i've told anyone at BCS that 7th grade was the happiest year of my life because of them, and i didn't want them to leave me too without knowing how much they mean to me. Honestly, I can't believe I told them they were my best friends. I don't usually put that information out there, because im scared it could hurt me in the end, or that what if they leave me like my friends did and im all alone again. But ive decided im not going to care what happens, im going to live in the present. We were some of the last ones out of the church cause we just sat around talking. My parents were nice and let me stay for a while because i was having so much fun. I am SOO jealous of them, how they get to go to the same school and see each other every day. I wish instead of tri-west, i went to avon. Even if I did get bullied at avon ,like i did at tri-west, it wouldn't be so bad because I would have friends.
I can't believe how much this helped me to write all this out, my head ache isn't as bad, and i fill a little bit happy now. -sarah
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The reasons I hate school.
I want to start out saying I hate school. When i was little I thought i hated school...that wasn't hate, i didn't even know what real hate was like until 8th grade. And each year after that my hate becomes more and more. The only year i have liked was 7th grade, and i only liked it for halve a year, four months to be percise. The first halve of 7th grade i was homeschooled, and on my 13 birthday my grandma offered to pay for me to go to a privat Christian school called "Bethesda Christian school" BCS for short. I don't know what made me take the risk and say yes...I don't like taking risks, I'm very shy around people. I guess what made me say yes was "Harry Potter". Just amagine if Harry Potter said no to Hagrid and that he wanted to stay with the Dursly's! Thats what i thought when i said yes. I wanted to be brave like Harry Potter. And pretty much the same thing happened to me that happend to Harry Potter. I made friends right away. I did not expect that, I guess I figure my self unlovable, I mean Im kinda loser in away. But my friends didn't think that. I had gone to the school in 1st and 2nd grade, and a girl named Lauren remembered me. I was at my locker ,trying to open it, when she came up to me and started talking. She had very blond hair and was tall. She said we were best friends when we were little, but honostly i don't remember her at all. I'll allways remember her now though, shes made of awsomeness, all of my friends are. My group of friends : Katie, Alayna, Emme, shannon, Marry, and Jenny. I LOVED the school, for four wounderful months. I would actually wake up early so that I could get to school and hang out with Katie, she got there really early. I only had 2 class with her, Bible and gym, so i only got to hang out with her before school, during lunch, and after school. I know Im sounding like a creepy stalker or something, but i loved that place and my friends. I never had friends like that before that I got to see every day besides my best friend Beth. I was the happiest i had ever been, and because i was so happy i got on the A, B honor roll...which NEVER happend! I was so happy when i got my report card, i felt so proud. And i joined the softball team! Alayna and Meridith (who was also my friend) was on the team too. I remember right after school leaving on the bus to go to a game, that was probibly the funnest part, the bus ride I mean. We would have hilarious conversations, and i would laugh SO hard. Gym class was even barible with my friends. I remember Katie predicting my futer as we walked/ran around the gym. She said i would either grow up to marry some rich man or have 30 cats...very fun memory. And then Meridith chasing me around the gym. The last couple of weeks of school we just sat around doing nothing in gym, which was fun. Those four months was the highlight of my life. I had never felt that good before, and sometimes don't think I ever will fill that good again. I don't think my friends even know how much they mean to me, they were like my family. I actually would get exsited on Sunday nights because i would get to go to school the next day!
But the next year was pretty hard. Only two of my friends came back: Alayna and Lauren. I missed them SOOO much and still do. Over the summer my family was going threw some really hard times, i wont go into them, but it was really hard for me. And the school let me down big time. My brother ,Caleb, is autistic. My parents wanted to send him to BCS so he wouldn't get made fun of. My parents told him they didn't care if he failed or got all F's just as long as he tried. But some teachers did care. They kicked him out right around Christmas...and what made it even worse was that they knew some off the things we had been going threw, and didn't care. That hurt me so bad. I remember thinking if these people are Christians then i don't want to be one anymore. I had to leave. I couldn't stand being around fakes any longer. Not that Lauren and Alayna were fakes, they're really cool people, it was the teachers.
So I left after Christmas break to go to Tri-west. Biggest mistake i have ever made! The minute I got there i knew i was gonna hate it. The school was full of pot heads and losers. I hung out with the super-geeks. They were nice, but that ment i was at the bottom of the food chain. I got made fun of so much. There were these girls that would hiss at me and my friends when we walked by, it sounds funny, but when halve the hallways looking at you, trying to make you upset, its not funny just scary. People would throw food at us in the lunch room, spit spitballs at us in art class, and laugh at us in the hallways. I have Never thought much of myself, but after that I thought i was a freak. And the bus ride home was HORRIBLE! There were two kids on the bus that were horrible to me, Eric and Sintheya (her nickname was sin! Who wants there nick name to be sin!?!?!) They would make fun of me a lot! And i despised them. So somehow i make it threw the year. Thinking back on it i have no idea how i did it. My grades droped to Bs, Cs ,and even a few Ds on my midterm. I didn't fit in anywhere. Not with the popular kids, sporty kids, band kids, arty kids, drama kids, nerdy kids, emo kids, gothic kids, popular Christian kids, nerdy Chrisian kids, super-smart kids. No one. I was classifide as a wall paper kid. Definition of wall paper kid- A person who does not say anything, or contribute anything. Has no friends and does not know any of the teachers, is not a trouble maker or gifted ,so there for no one notices them. AKA They blend into the wall or wall paper. Thats what i was, a wall paper kid.
Then 9th grade came alonge. UGGG! 9th grade didn't start out bad. But it gradually tumbled down hill. The only diffrence from last year was that I got bullied by bigger people. Im not going to go to much into this because i have a head ache and want to go to sleep.
So present time- im in 10th grade and im homeschooled now. I still hate school. I wish i was smart and understood everything, but i don't. I was born a year late. I should have been born in 1994 instead of 1993. All of my friends are a year younger than me and they go to Avon. I wish i could go to Avon and be in there classes, that would rock!!!
Well anyways i apollogies for writing all this boring and cry babystuff, but hey what am i gonna do? Oh, also i wanted to apollogies for my lack of spelling wisdom, hey i hate school, I don't spell lol.
But the next year was pretty hard. Only two of my friends came back: Alayna and Lauren. I missed them SOOO much and still do. Over the summer my family was going threw some really hard times, i wont go into them, but it was really hard for me. And the school let me down big time. My brother ,Caleb, is autistic. My parents wanted to send him to BCS so he wouldn't get made fun of. My parents told him they didn't care if he failed or got all F's just as long as he tried. But some teachers did care. They kicked him out right around Christmas...and what made it even worse was that they knew some off the things we had been going threw, and didn't care. That hurt me so bad. I remember thinking if these people are Christians then i don't want to be one anymore. I had to leave. I couldn't stand being around fakes any longer. Not that Lauren and Alayna were fakes, they're really cool people, it was the teachers.
So I left after Christmas break to go to Tri-west. Biggest mistake i have ever made! The minute I got there i knew i was gonna hate it. The school was full of pot heads and losers. I hung out with the super-geeks. They were nice, but that ment i was at the bottom of the food chain. I got made fun of so much. There were these girls that would hiss at me and my friends when we walked by, it sounds funny, but when halve the hallways looking at you, trying to make you upset, its not funny just scary. People would throw food at us in the lunch room, spit spitballs at us in art class, and laugh at us in the hallways. I have Never thought much of myself, but after that I thought i was a freak. And the bus ride home was HORRIBLE! There were two kids on the bus that were horrible to me, Eric and Sintheya (her nickname was sin! Who wants there nick name to be sin!?!?!) They would make fun of me a lot! And i despised them. So somehow i make it threw the year. Thinking back on it i have no idea how i did it. My grades droped to Bs, Cs ,and even a few Ds on my midterm. I didn't fit in anywhere. Not with the popular kids, sporty kids, band kids, arty kids, drama kids, nerdy kids, emo kids, gothic kids, popular Christian kids, nerdy Chrisian kids, super-smart kids. No one. I was classifide as a wall paper kid. Definition of wall paper kid- A person who does not say anything, or contribute anything. Has no friends and does not know any of the teachers, is not a trouble maker or gifted ,so there for no one notices them. AKA They blend into the wall or wall paper. Thats what i was, a wall paper kid.
Then 9th grade came alonge. UGGG! 9th grade didn't start out bad. But it gradually tumbled down hill. The only diffrence from last year was that I got bullied by bigger people. Im not going to go to much into this because i have a head ache and want to go to sleep.
So present time- im in 10th grade and im homeschooled now. I still hate school. I wish i was smart and understood everything, but i don't. I was born a year late. I should have been born in 1994 instead of 1993. All of my friends are a year younger than me and they go to Avon. I wish i could go to Avon and be in there classes, that would rock!!!
Well anyways i apollogies for writing all this boring and cry babystuff, but hey what am i gonna do? Oh, also i wanted to apollogies for my lack of spelling wisdom, hey i hate school, I don't spell lol.
Friday, February 19, 2010
A glimps into my childhood.
Ok, i was gonna name this blog spot thing "Sarah's secret spot" but i thought that sounded dirty or some thing lol. So i named it Sarah's secret corner. the reason i named it the way i did was because when i was little i had a dresser about a foot away from the corner (actually i have it that way still) and i would carve on it with my pocket knife. I carved "My secret spot" really big at the top, then carved stuff in code below it. I would go there when i got scared or sad...haha i guess it was like a cave mans diary...cause...you know...ha...i carved my feelings on a piece of wood...ok moving on. anyways thats why i named it the way i did. so im gonna go pic up my bestest friend Beth and shes gonna spend the night. so i've got to go. bye.
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