I hate being afraid...

Tonight I went out side to look at the stars. I love being outside at night by myself, when there's no neighborhood children trying to grab the flag in my back yard, or avoiding a flash light. I sat down and looked up at the stars, and me being the lazy butt I am, I laid down cause my neck was hurting. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. I just stared trying to take it all in, which is impossible for me. But then I started to feel so small and scared, like the sky and the stars were going to come crashing down on my head. I felt like the earth would open up and swallow me whole, and I felt like I was on the top a tall building and if I walked a few steps I would fall off.

I'm scared about this year. If I break down like I did last year, I can't turn to my parents any more. I can't take hurting them like that, seeing the disappointment in there eyes "Why can't you just be happy?" I can't hurt them like that anymore. They think I'm better, but I know it can all go down hill at anytime. I'm scared this time

My birthdays coming up soon. I'm going to be 17. I don't want my birthday to come. I really don't want it to come. I don't really want a party.

I hate going to church. Is it a sin not to be happy? Cause when I go there I feel like it is. All the grown ups smiling there fake smiles, well I can only think of one grown up that really gets me, Ginger. The one who is a jerk. The one who, I guess, hurt my feeling more than I thought. I remember Charlie saying before we would sing a song, "Be happy, this is the day the Lord has made, so you should be happy." ...........What if your not happy? Why did no one help me? Why didn't anyone help me? Why did I have to get bullied? They were so mean. I didn't tell my parents the full extent of what they were doing, cause I didn't want them to worry. They would ask me if I like Tri-west more then BCS, I would always answer yes, but really it was a no. I hated that school, I hated how kids would throw food at me in the lunch room, how those girls would look at me and make fun of me, I hated how I was scared to walk down the hall cause one of the pot heads might point and laugh at me, I hated how people would block the doors to the class room so me and Clarissa couldn't get in, I hated how when they would make fun of us they would say "what you gonna do about it?" "I think you should punch her in the face Clarisse, or get Sarah to fight your fights" "Your a wimp" "Your ugly.", I hated how they would form circles around us so we couldn't walk away, I hated how the principle was best friends with these kids, I hated how I had to stay in the office before school started with Clarissa cause we didn't want to get made fun of, I hated how I was scared to go into the bathroom cause Cynthia might be in there, I hated how I would have to run to the bus so I could get a seat by the bus driver so I wouldn't have to sit in the back, I hated how when I did sit in the back Eric and Cynthia and all their little friends would make fun of me and try to upset me, I hated how that girl wouldn't let me out of the seat so I missed my stop, I hate how people would make fun of my clothes and whisper when I walked by, I hate how the older kids would laugh at me when the teacher wasn't looking, I hate how they would would point laser pointers at me to try and hurt my eyes, I hate how I was so quite I didn't stick up for my self, I hated that the teachers didn't understand, I hate how the girls acted like they were better than me and that I was suppose to do everything they said, I hate how my grades dropped, I hate how the vice principle yelled at me and not the kids bullying me, I hated how the nurse would "lose" my sick notes from the doctor and not tell the vice principle so I would get in trouble with him (everyone new she hated me), I hate that it wasn't just the kids that were mean to me, I hate that people would make fun of Clarissa and I didn't do anything....I hate being afraid.
-Sarah